


Grown Accustomed

by materialism



Series: Accustomed (or: Taylor is a girl) [1]
Category: Paramore
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, Falling In Love, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-05
Updated: 2015-06-24
Packaged: 2018-04-03 00:19:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 23,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4079416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/materialism/pseuds/materialism
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Here's the thing - Hayley doesn't like girls.</p><p>(Well, maybe she does.  Taylor's confusing like that.)</p><p>[completed as of 6.24.15]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ah yes. this. what dreams are made of (forgive a girl for wishful thinking).
> 
> lesbian warped tour 2007 fic! taylor is a cisgender girl in this story. they're both around eighteen here - taylor very close to it, hayley on the tail end. 
> 
> disclaimer: i very much do not own any characters based on real people in this story. all situations depicted are fictional and any resemblance to real persons or events is purely coincidental. if you are involved in this story, i recommend you hit the back button and resume living as your preferred gender expression and/or sexual orientation. (t, you would still make a really pretty girl.)

“Josh.” 

“Hayley.” 

Hayley rolls her eyes. “Joshua Neil.”

“Hayley Nichole.” He has that stupid grin on his face that she used to love when they were dating. Granted, she still kinda loves it, but it’s more annoying now than it used to be. It’s endearing to Jenna, she’s sure. 

Whatever, back to more pressing things. “What are we gonna do about touring without Hunter? I mean it’s great that you played the parts on the album, and the video it didn’t matter, but like, Warped!” 

Josh makes a genuinely confused face. “Did Jeremy not tell you? We have someone.”

“Who?” 

“Don’t worry about it,” he says, and this is the part of him that she really hates - when he dismisses her because he thinks she’ll freak out.

She growls with frustration. “Joshua, I’m in the band too. I should probably know who I’m working with here?”

“Fine. You know Justin York?” Hayley knows Justin York. Justin York makes her feel like a little kid all the time. She hopes it’s not him.

“Yeah.”

“Well, his little sister.”

Hayley feels her face contort into a grimace. “Taylor? Really?” 

Hayley will admit that Taylor’s really good at guitar. She’s been playing since she was like, six or something, Probably the best guitarist she knows besides Josh. But she’s kinda short and chubby, and really awkward, and her skin’s not the clearest. Hayley knows she’s being a more than a little shallow, but the producers and promoters and dudes in other bands keep drilling the same thing - image is just as important. 

Josh sighs. “This is why I didn’t want to tell you.” She hates how he can still read her mind.

“I’m not - it’s not like that,” Hayley says. 

“I know what you’re worried about, we all were. You haven’t seen her in a while. She looks different now.” Josh pauses. “She’s actually kinda hot.”

“The last time you thought someone in your band was hot, you dated her for three years.” They both laugh at that. 

“And if you’re worried about the whole girl thing -”

“I’m not!”

“- which I know you are because you’re you, Taylor’s like one of the guys. Trust me.”

“Oh, in the way that I’m one of the guys?” Hayley says. She’s skeptical. She’s built like a twelve year old boy and she still gets hit on.

“Seriously, Hayley. Trust me.”

Hayley concedes, mainly because she’s lost interest in the subject already. “When’s she coming to practice?”

“That’s the spirit!” Josh says, ruffling her hair. “Tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?!”

And that’s how Hayley finds out Taylor York’s touring with them this summer.

-

When Hayley gets to Josh’s basement the next day, Zac is already doing rudiments of a practice pad. To the side of the bass drum, a skinny guy with long, dark curly hair is tuning a Fender Mexican Strat. When he finishes, he plays the riff right after the chorus of That’s What You Get - better than Josh usually does.

Cool. So Josh came to his senses and got a guy instead. 

“You sounded good,” Hayley says. The guys keeps testing out harmonics and ignores her. She tries again. “Hey, how are you?” Nothing.

Zac stops his rudiments and makes a face at the guy. “Stop showing off, dumbass, The Great Orange Hope is talking to you.” 

He laughs at Hayley’s expression. Hayley fucking hates it whenever people quote that stupid interview. If she ever meets John Mayer she’s gonna kill him. 

The guy puts his guitar on the stand and springs up. He grins and Hayley hears a sweet, playful girl’s voice say, “Sorry, I was in the zone. Is that what they’re calling you now, Hayley?”

It takes Hayley a good few seconds to realize that the girl’s voice came from the guy and - oh. Oh.

Josh wasn’t lying when he said Taylor changed.

“I’ve changed my middle name to that, didn’t you hear?” Hayley says. She’s not going to let Taylor trip her up. “It’s good to see you. You look... different.”

“Puberty happens, yeah,” Taylor says, and she sounds... nervous? Probably just nervous to be playing with them all. 

“Hopefully puberty didn’t change the way you are with a guitar,” Hayley says. “You know the songs?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Even the new stuff?”

“Yeah, the bros gave me a rundown of what your set’s gonna be and I filled in the blanks just in case.” She plays the opening riff of Misery Business no sweat, not even looking at the guitar.

“Alright, let’s do this,” Hayley says, and they go.

Hayley’s not trying to come up with reasons to hate Taylor - really, she isn’t. She’s just bad at change. They had a perfect rhythm with Hunter. He did his part well, and they all got along, and Hayley was hoping this thing would just not have any more hiccups. It was bad enough when Jeremy left and came back. And now Josh and Zac (and Jeremy, apparently, with how he fist bumps Taylor when he arrives) just let this girl waltz in and think she could just be part of this.

But she’s _so good_.

Like, she’s better than anyone they’ve ever had. The practice goes off without a hitch. In their breaks between songs, Taylor and Josh even correct small problems that have been happening musically - little clashes, changes from minor to major, alteration of dynamics. Does she spend every free moment she has playing guitar? Hayley knows she’s good at what she does, but she definitely futzes around on the computer and hangs out with her friends more than she’d care to admit. 

Taylor goes between interacting with Hayley directly and not even looking at her. Not that Hayley’s doing much better herself. She’s having trouble reconciling this tall, strange creature with the chubby little girl who used to hang out in the basement with Zac when she was hanging out with Josh. (Well, “hanging out” is probably as euphemistic as it gets.) Have they really been touring all this time? Is Hayley just that unobservant?

After practice, when the rest of them have gone home, Hayley lingers in the Farros’ basement; old habits die hard. She’s sitting cross legged on their dilapidated couch, sipping Red Bull she stole from the mini fridge through a crazy straw and definitely not sulking. Josh sits down beside her and folds his arms. She wants to smack him in his thoroughly amused face. To think she used to find that mug irresistible.

“Well?” he says. He looks like he’s prepared to wait all night, but she’s not going to indulge his prediction about her attitude.

“She’s good,” Hayley admits, taking a long slug. She’s at the bottom of the can, when things start tasting funky. It feels like a twisted metaphor.

“More than good,” Josh says. “Do you trust me now?”

“I have no idea how she meshes with us on the road,” Hayley says. “She could very well suck at tour life. She could very well not fit.”

“She’s not gonna suck at tour life,” Josh says. “And she’ll fit. Relax.”

Hayley has a feeling she’s going to be hearing that a lot this tour. 

-

On the day they set off to meet the tour bus (the tour bus, they get a freakin‘ tour bus!), Taylor’s flat out hungover. She’s spacey and can’t really talk other than small sentences. Her skin has a sickly green tinge to it, and her eyes are bloodshot with dark shadows underneath. Every once in a while, she puts her head between her knees, presumably so she doesn’t throw up all over everyone. Zac rubs her back and shares his water with her. Her misery permeates the atmosphere of the van, but Hayley doesn’t care. She deserves it for getting wasted the night before a huge tour. 

Hayley makes sure she gives Taylor a good thousand yard stare any chance she gets. _What a good impression to make! You’re doing a bang up job convincing us that you should be in this band._

“Glad everyone’s up and at ‘em! I’m excited,” Hayley says when they all get out, just a hair too loud, enough to make Taylor cringe. 

Zac glares darts at her and whoa, okay, who died and made Hayley the bad guy here? 

“I’m sorry,” Taylor says, and Hayley almost feels bad for a second - she sounds pathetic. 

“I call dibs on a top bunk!” Jeremy shouts to diffuse the tension and makes a mad dash for the bus door. Hayley’s about to run after him when Zac grabs her by the shoulder.

“Hey, be cool, okay?” he says. “She’s going through a hard time right now.”

What hard time could she possibly be going through? 

-

Here’s the thing - Hayley doesn’t like girls.

Well, okay, she likes some girls as people, sure. And she’s not attracted to all of her male friends; that would be a problem being in this scene. But she’s been boy crazy ever since she could remember. She always hung out with boys at the skate park, and her walls were covered with posters of NSYNC. Boys are tall and have broad shoulders; they smell nice and she feels good in their arms. Their faces are kinda rough from shaving (the guys she’s messed around with anyway) and that gets her going. They’re funny and gross, but sweet and charming. Their voices are hot and make her heart beat fast. 

(...she also really, really likes having sex with them. Thinking about that still makes her blush like crazy, even if she’s not saying it out loud. She likes how it feels, how all that skin looks outside of clothes as it bears on top of her. And - oh gosh, oh gosh, okay - dicks are kind of the best. She never understands why her girl friends complain about going down on guys. He’s at your control. It’s awesome.) 

Point being, she feels safe and happy with boys. It feels right. That’s why Taylor is so confusing. 

Taylor’s not pretty. Parts of her are pretty - those insane eyes that Hayley wishes she had, and her lips which are full without lipstick. But she’s tall for a girl, and so-so-so skinny, and is pretty much flat as a surfboard. (Not that Hayley can say anything about that, but she at least has hips.) Her hair has been reduced to a puffy mess in the humidity. She has her earlobes slightly stretched with tiny black gauges, and a faded farmer’s tan from years of summers in band t-shirts, visible because she’s graduated to tank tops. 

Hayley’s never met such a contradictory girl in her life - person, even. She has a flip phone and it’s almost always dead. She carries herself like she still has the extra weight on her, overestimating the amount of space she takes up anywhere. She’s sarcastic and deadpan to the point of having the rest of them in stitches, but only when you least expect it. She is standoffish, but not because she’s snotty, but because she’s shy. Her voice is soft and sweet, much more gentle than Hayley’s own. 

They’re still a little weird around each other, sure - and yeah, it’s definitely because Hayley’s been an asshole. But she’s had reason. She showed up hungover the first day! She barely says a word to Hayley outside of sets, kind of ducking her head and talking to Zac, generally. There’s justification in Hayley’s cold shoulder, but she can’t help but feel a burn of jealousy when Taylor passes her over for someone else. Her attention’s not that important, so why does she give a shit? 

Whatever. They’ve both just gotta get through this summer and the band will find another guy and it will be fine. Maybe. 

-

“Whoa, that is a massive stain on your shirt,” Hayley says when Taylor walks by her at catering.

“Yeah.” Taylor stops and looks down at it. Of course, the one day the poor girl wears white, she gets a massive red-orange stain all across the front. She looks perfectly miserable about it.

“What happened?” Hayley asks. They both have food by now, so they walk over to a table and take a seat. Hayley starts eating as Taylor talks.

“Nothing major - some dude threw Gatorade at his friend, his friend ducked, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time,” Taylor says. She shrugs. “It’s just like... this shirt was new.”

“I feel that,” Hayley commiserates. Laundry on Warped is rough. Taylor is kind of dumb to wear a white T-shirt, but it’s a cool shirt, so Hayley gets that too. 

“Here, wear this,” Hayley says, handing Taylor the shirt. Taylor unfolds it and examines it.

“I don’t think I’ve ever listened to The Smiths,” Taylor says, laughing at Hayley’s comically shocked face. “I’ll feel like a poser.”

“Just wear it. People will think you’re actually cool.”

“Excuse you, I am the coolest,” Taylor says, but pulls off her stained shirt, putting the Smiths shirt on. She’s wearing a white sports bra. Her stomach is flat in a way that Hayley’s isn’t. When the shirt’s on, she looks down at herself. “Hey, not shabby.”

“You look way better in it than I do,” Hayley says. It’s true - Taylor looks like a person and not like a child in adult clothing.

Taylor’s quiet for a second, like she’s forgotten how to structure sentences. “Thank you.”

Taylor’s way more at ease during the set than she has been all day. It’s cool to see her loosened up, playing even better than she has been these past few days. Hayley’s missing a few notes here and there, though. She keeps thinking about her just casually taking off her shirt in front of her. It was a weird move. Does she feel that comfortable? Was she even thinking about it? Who owns a white sports bra anymore anyway?

She and Taylor end up at the canteen again together, both just grabbing snacks before they head back to safer, fan free ground. They’re casually chatting about music, a safe topic, when one of the dudes from a local band walks up to them and starts chatting. He’s annoying - they usually are, these pop punk bros - and they’re trying desperately to start a conversation with Hayley, ignoring Taylor. Hayley’s not sure why, because Taylor’s taller and more model like. 

“I’m not interested,” Hayley says right off the bat.

“Whoa, I just want to have a conversation,” the guy, whose name is Brad she thinks, says to her.

Hayley briefly considers saying Taylor is her girlfriend. She does that with her friends back home if weird guys approach them. She’s not sure if Taylor would be cool with that though, given how tenuous their friendship has been. “Okay, dude.”

“You’re really cute,” Brad says to Hayley. This jerk.

“Thanks!” Taylor says. “Your shirt is blue.”

Hayley giggles. Brad gives her a nasty look before training his eyes back on Hayley. He reaches out to touch her hair and she ducks his hand. “What’s your natural hair color?”

“Uh...” Hayley says. She hates this question. Everyone asks her it.

“Mine’s brown!” Taylor says, touching her own hair. “What’s yours? I’m guessing it’s not this terrible dye job.” 

Hayley full on laughs. Brad is not pleased. “I didn’t ask you,” he says. 

“I just want to have a conversation!” Taylor says. Hayley’s having difficulty not falling to the floor right now.

“Fuck off, dyke,” Brad says and flips Taylor off as he walks away. 

Hayley sees her flinch for a millisecond. When she regains composure, she’s smiling again, but her eyes are just a little darker. Why?

“Thanks,” Hayley says, hoping it distracts her from whatever’s going on in that head of hers.

It does, thankfully. “No worries,” Taylor says. “All guys are exactly the same.”

“No matter what city you go to,” Hayley concurs. 

They manage to find a patch of shade in this vast sea of dead grass and crumpled beer cans, under a tree that's seen better days. Taylor takes a big bite of her sandwich while Hayley nibbles.

“Does that happen to you a lot?” Taylor asks.

“More now that Misery Business is on TV, but still not that often,” Hayley says. “I mean, it helps I’m not cute.” 

“I don’t know about that,” Taylor says. “On a scale of one to otters holding hands, I’d say you’re a puppy.”

“You’re the puppy. Look at all that hair,” Hayley says. She reaches out and ruffles it. It’s really soft.

“I’ve always thought of myself as more of a lion. Rawr,” Taylor replies, and makes a snarl as she claws at the air. “And, you know, because I’m so scary and intimidating.” 

“You’re like the puppy version of one of those mop dogs,” Hayley says, reaching over and lightly tugging on a curl so it springs back up. “I know everyone must do that but I haven’t gotten a shot yet.”

“That’s okay,” Taylor says. “You look like orange hair Tinkerbell. A little bit of a temper, but sparkly.” 

“I can’t deny that I have a temper,” Hayley says, nodding. She surprised she hasn’t ruined things up until now by saying something dumb. 

“It’s okay though,” Taylor says. “I think you’re probably a real sweetheart deep, deep, deep down.”

Taylor boops her on the nose and giggles, breaking Hayley’s initial scowl. Something in Hayley’s gut twists, seeing Taylor’s face break into a brilliant smile after. She has to look away. It’s too much. “Uh, I’m feeling kinda funny, I think I’m gonna go back to the bus. Okay?”

Taylor looks confused. “Okay, uh, I’ll see you later. Feel better?”

“Yeah. Thanks, for, uh. Thanks!” Hayley splutters, all but running away after. What the hell? 

-

By the time Hayley gets done with today’s press junket, the sun is setting, blue mingling with yellow but not quite reaching green. Either the unofficial kickball game hasn’t started yet or it’s dispersed, but she doesn’t mind - all the more people watching to do. She misses prior Warped Tours, when so much attention wasn’t on her all the time. She likes slipping in and out unnoticed, seeing what’s going on. She blocks her face so she’s not on TAI TV, but Beckett tastefully turns away at the last second. She kind of wants to see what Justin Pierre’s hair does at night, but he’s nowhere to be found; she’s happy he’s sticking to his sobriety. There’s a cooler with shitty beer set up on the far end by one of the little band’s van, and a group of the crustier punks are gathered around it. Peace, for once. It’s nice.

Zac ruins the moment by barreling past her. 

“Sorry, Hayls, some sacrifices must be made. Oh shit!” he says and takes off again - and this time, Taylor is closely behind him.

“Give it back! I mean it!” 

To her credit, she’s getting extremely close to him every time, but his arms are just that much longer. He’s holding a balled up black cloth - a pillowcase? Her pajamas? 

Zac holds it up to his nose and breathes in. “Ohhh, it smells nice.”

“Give it back, Zachary,” Taylor says, and it sounds dangerous.

“Does it help you sleep?”

“I will call your mother and tell her you’ve been drinking beer all tour.”

“Like you haven’t been,” Zac says, but he grips the cloth tighter.

“Give it back,” she says, holding out her hand, “and no one gets their ass handed to them.”

“Okay,” Zac says, and it looks as though he’s going to do it, but he snatches it back last second and runs away, scream-laughing.

“What is wrong with you?” she says, and she catches up to him immediately. He stops short to throw her off her game, and she nearly falls over.

“Hmmm,” he says, unballing it and examining the logo. “The Smiths! I didn’t know you liked them! Do you cuddle with Morrissey at night?”

Wait a minute. That’s the shirt Hayley gave her.

“No, this is how I cuddle,” Taylor says, and promptly puts him in a headlock, catching the falling cloth when he’s distracted. She lets him drop to the ground and runs back to the bus. Hayley watches after her.

“What was that all about?” Hayley asks, helping Zac up.

He dusts himself off. “Man, I have no idea. She’s been all secretive lately.”

“About what?” Hayley asks. She always thought secretive was Taylor’s MO.

“Like, everything! She’ll be happy one minute and then withdrawn the next. I thought maybe she was doing drugs -”

“Her? No way -”

“- so I went into her bunk -”

“-that’s an invasion of privacy, Zac -”

Zac scoffs. “We hang out together in her bunk all the time.” 

That makes Hayley’s eyebrows raise. He continues, oblivious. “No drugs, but I found that shirt under her pillow.”

Hayley didn’t think that she’d kept it. “So you decide to scream and run around with it?”

“That’s always what we do to each other. I didn’t think she’d get that upset,” Zac says. He sounds actually quite angry with himself. “I hope it’s not...”

Hayley wishes she could figure out exactly why he sounds so sad.

Later, way later, when she gets back to the bus, she goes to the bunks after brushing her teeth and pauses. Taylor’s arm is hanging out of Zac’s bunk, a top one above Josh’s. They’re whispering and giggling, largely indistinct, so Hayley creeps a little bit closer so that she can hear the conversation. She’s always been kind of nosy, often to a fault. When she gets the courage to go closer, the conversation has taken a turn toward something more serious.

“I don’t know what to do,” Taylor says. 

“You don’t have to say anything until you’re ready,” Zac says. He sounds so sweet Hayley could cry. “You’ve been on tour for half the time you’ve been processing this.”

Processing what? “I feel like we’re just starting to be friends. I don’t want her to hate me again.”

Zac sighs. “She’ll be more fine with it than you think.”

“I hope so,” Taylor says. “Thank you.” 

“Of course. I love you,” Zac says. 

“I love you, too,” Taylor says. “I’m going to pass out now.”

“You go do that,” Zac says. “Good night.”

“Night,” Taylor says. 

_Oh no, she’s gonna know I was listening._ Hayley dives into her bunk a second before Taylor can climb out, so hard that she smacks into the wall.

“You okay, Hayley?” Taylor calls out, sounding confused.

Fuck. “Ah, yeah, just turned over weird.”

“Okay, good night,” Taylor says slowly, like she doesn’t believe her. She hears Taylor climb into her bunk. 

“Night,” she whispers. 

So that’s what they’re hiding from her. Yeah, she definitely feels shocked that they’re dating - did Zac learn nothing from her and Josh - but she also feels hurt. She wouldn’t _judge_ them for dating or anything. They were really good about not judging her, and besides, they’re cute together. They seem to care about each other a lot. Hell, Hayley kind of misses having that for herself. Maybe they’re afraid she would be jealous. They’re a little right, but it’s more for something she used to have. 

Hayley falls asleep with a churning in her belly, a residual pain from a self inflicted punch in the gut. She’s going to get to the bottom of this.

-

“Are you dating Taylor?” she asks Zac the next day during a lull at a signing. Taylor’s not a member of the band, technically, so she’s not here.

After Zac has a brief conversation with a fan who’s a drummer (and probably older than him, which continues to be surreal), he lowers his sunglasses to look at her. “Really?”

“Really, really. Hi, how are you? Thanks for coming out.” She scribbles some semblance of her name onto a postcard. 

“What would make you think that?” Zac says. “Seriously, I’m dying to know.”

“Absolutely, have an awesome rest of your day - have you ever seen you two in action? You hang out in each other’s bunks and you‘re always all over each other -”

“We were all over each other when we were in Franklin. It’s just closer quarters now,” Zac says, signing a postcard rapid fire and drawing a smilie face. He gives a thumbs up to the owner of the card, a brace faced middle schooler with pinkish hair. 

“Yeah, we love playing that one, I’m so happy you like it. Have an awesome day - you can tell us, you know. You know well enough it wouldn’t have been the first time this happened in this band.” 

Zac sighs, far too condescending for her liking. “I’ve delayed this conversation long enough, but we’re not having it here. Hi, how’s it going?”

Hayley rolls her eyes and a fan looks hurt. She tries to backtrack. “Oh no sweetie, I was rolling my eyes at him, not you! So sorry. How are you?”

The fan seems satisfied and they strike up a conversation about her tattoo (“if only time flew like” with an abstract dove). The band collectively goes gaga over it, and Josh takes a picture of it on his phone. It distracts Hayley from the resignation in Zac’s tone. 

“Okay. I’m taking a walk after this though,” she says as she’s writing out the words “let the flames begin” for a fan to get tattooed on her (which is still insane, all of this is still insane). 

“I’ll be waiting,” Zac says, and only he can manage to make it sound friendly. What a doofus.

True to her word, Hayley takes a walk after around the parking lot to clear her head. She’s wearing big sunglasses (Jeremy’s, bought at a Halloween store to cheer her up when she was sad once) sweatpants (Josh’s from when they were still a thing), and flip flops (hers) with her hair in a bun. It’s been a fool proof disguise so far. No one recognizes her, and it allows her to think in peace. She doesn’t like how cryptic everyone’s being lately. People keep dodging her questions and telling her not to worry about stuff. It was never this way when Hunter was in the band. He had to go off and get married and they just had to get Zac’s (female) best friend (girlfriend) to replace him. 

When she gets back, Zac has arranged two lawn chairs side by side, with an upside down plaster bucket between them. Two bottles of water are on its surface, dripping with condensation from a bucket of ice. He’s kind of the best sometimes. 

“Take a seat, Ms Williams,” Zac says. His snazzy suit jacket (where the hell did he get that from) is kind of ruined by the mesh basketball shorts. “I’ve been expecting you.”

“Don’t mind if I do,” she says, grabbing a bottle of water.

“Alright, I’m going to get the direct answer out of the way,” Zac says. “No, I’m not dating Taylor. I swear on my grandmother’s grave. She’s like my sister. That would be gross.”

“Was that so hard?” Hayley says. All that for a no?

“That’s not why we’re doing this,” Zac says. “I know I’ve been shady, but it’s for a reason.”

“It better be a damn good reason,” Hayley says.

It looks like Zac is bracing himself. “I’m going to tell you something you cannot repeat to anyone. Not Josh, or Jeremy, Dakota, not your sisters or your mom or anyone in her family either -”

“Alright, alright, I got it,” Hayley says, annoyed. “Can’t tell anyone, swear on my life, yadda yadda -”

Zac looks her square in the face. “I mean it, Hayley. No one. I’m being serious.”

He is never serious. It’s gotta be something bad. Maybe she started messing around with one of the guys on tour? Hayley tries to think of who it might be. Everyone she can think of isn’t the cheating type, so all bets are off for those guys. Maybe she’s pregnant. Oh god, that would be messy, especially with how she drinks and throws herself around onstage. Maybe she is doing drugs after all, and was able to hide it from Zac until now. She seems really healthy, but that could be a front. 

“You got it. What’s the big deal?”

Zac pauses. “Taylor’s a lesbian.”

“WHAT?” she yells. 

Zac’s eyes widen and he smacks her arm. “Keep it down, would you?”

Her stomach is sinking and her lungs feel tight. “How can she be a lesbian?”

“Think about it this way. In all the time you’ve known her, has she ever tried anything with a guy?”

“Not that I know of.”

“Has she ever had a boyfriend - a boyfriend that you didn’t think was me,” he says, holding up a finger to silence her interjection.

“No.”

“Has she ever even talked about boys?” 

“Nope.”

Zac makes a gesture as though to say ‘well there you go.’ 

“But that doesn’t mean she’s a lesbian! Some girls just don’t talk about that kind of stuff. For some girls it’s private! How are you so certain?”

“She told me,” Zac says. 

“Oh, she told you, I’m so sure. What exactly did she tell you?” 

Zac gets that sad look on his face he got during kickball night. Oh no, this is not gonna be good.

“Remember that house show me and Josh went to? The night before we left for tour?”

“The one she got completely wrecked at,” Hayley says.

Zac glares at her for a solid five seconds before he continues. “ _Well_ , we lost track of her. I looked everywhere. Turns out was in the backyard, totally drunk and crying hysterically.” 

Oh no. Oh no, oh no. Zac continues. “I knew something was up because she never drinks like that and she never cries. At first it was hard to understand her because she was crying so hard, but finally she said, ‘I’m gay.’ She just kept crying and just said sorry a lot and that she hated herself. She made me swear on my life that I wouldn’t tell anyone. Then she threw up a lot in the grass and we took her home. Told her mom she ate something bad.”

“So that’s why she was so sick when we left.” Hayley’s stomach is twisted up in knots. She feels like the worst person on the entire planet right now.

“Yeah.” Zac sighs and throws his head back to look at the twilight sky. “I know change is hard for you - don’t deny it, you know it’s true. But like. Be a little easier on her?” 

“That’s not fair,” Hayley says. “No one told me so I didn’t know. I didn’t know!”

“I know you didn’t know, and I’m sorry,” Zac says. “Really, I am. You were just being so harsh and it pissed me off knowing what happened. Josh doesn’t even know, if that makes you feel better.”

“Why did you tell me then?” Hayley asks. “Especially if you haven’t told your own brother.”

“I thought you would take it better than he would,” Zac says, shrugging. “You were always the most progressive out of us.”

Hayley has nothing to say to that. She’s not sure how true that is, given how she’s been acting, but she hasn’t been sure about a lot of stuff since this tour started.

Zac breaks the silence. “It kind of messes me up, you know? Because on one hand, I always though being gay isn’t natural.”

Hayley scrunches her face. “They’re still people.”

“That’s what I’m saying! Like, I never thought they were normal but they’re people, just different.” He sighs deeply. “And on the other hand, along with church maybe being wrong about that, she’s my best friend. I just don’t want her to hate herself so much.” 

“Yeah.” Hayley has never felt so small in her life. 

Much later on, when it’s lights off, Hayley runs into Jeremy rereading a dog-eared comic book of his. She rushes toward Jeremy and hops on the couch, throwing her arms around his neck. She’s always been a person who needs touch. Jeremy is tactile without an ulterior motive.

“Whoa, whoa, hey chicken little,” Jeremy says, squeezing her tight. “What’s this all about?”

“You’re a nerd and I wanted to hug you before I passed out.” She squeezes him harder. “Absorb all that nerd power so I’m smarter.”

“I think your skull’s too thick for that,” he says, and wet willies her. She yelps and scoots away. They both giggle, trying to keep it down so Josh doesn’t bitch at them.

They talk for a little while, which Hayley always loves to do. Jeremy’s probably her best friend in the world, and they’ve just been running on different schedules lately. He’s good, things are smooth with his girlfriend, he’s working on some really basic stuff on Fruity Loops that he wants to show her when it’s not night time. Hayley sometimes wishes she could rap so she could be involved in that, but then again, maybe he should have something that’s just his. Goodness knows she’s had that shot. She fills Jeremy in on the bigger stuff - all those radio interviews (boring) and how things are with Josh (surprisingly fine) and how she’s dealing with her occasional bouts of depression (comes and goes). 

Telling him about her conversation with Zac earlier this evening is on the tip of her tongue. She wants to talk about it with somebody. It’s clawing at her insides - all of Taylor’s hurt and guilt and downright shame about that part of her. But she remembers Zac’s repeated mantra of “no one” and keeps her lips sealed - in a direct way at least.

“Do you think people who sin can still be good people?” Hayley says.

Jeremy thinks for a second. “I think so, yeah. Hate the sin, love the sinner, I guess. What kind of sin are we talkin’?”

“Oh, I dunno. Being gay? That’s a good example.” Hayley prays for his belief in hypotheticals.

“That’s a person to person thing, I think. Like, it’s not my jam, but if you wanna do it, that’s fine. God’s got bigger fish to fry.” He makes a face. “Why’d you bring it up?”

“Uh.” Shit, shit, shit. “I was thinking about a conversation I had with Tim earlier this week.” That actually is a thing that happened.

“Underoath Tim? Oh whatever. He’s a little nutso about that kind of thing. Like who cares, dude?” 

She nods, satisfied with that answer, and they resume their playful banter. They head in around 1am, Jeremy practically throwing himself into his bunk and Josh scolding him about the crash it makes. Stifling almost painful laughter, Hayley tiptoes past everyone and into the kitchenette for a water bottle - and runs smack dab into Taylor.

“Oh, hi, sorry,” Hayley says, because she can’t do anything normally. 

Taylor looks sheepish for some reason. “Hey. Uh, I just made tea, want some?”

“I think I’m okay. Thank you though.” Taylor nods and if she didn’t know better, Hayley would say she looked disappointed.

Hayley grabs a water bottle from the fridge and kind of just stands there, unsure of what to do. She knows she should go to bed. That’s what she was going to do. But suddenly, her feet can’t seem to get going. 

Taylor raises her eyebrow while sipping her tea, and smirks when she puts it down. “Good night.” 

“Good night,” Hayley says, but still stays. Taylor’s damp curls are a little bit in her face, which is tinged red from rosacea. It’s the first time it’s occurred to Hayley that maybe Taylor wears makeup too. 

Before she can second guess herself, she wraps her arms around Taylor’s waist and closes her eyes. She hears Taylor make a little “oh!” sound and put her tea cup on the counter. She hopes she’s not invading her personal space too much. Maybe Taylor doesn’t need this, but Hayley does. Maybe Taylor’s over it and not hurting, but there’s just as much a chance that she’s still messed up. Taylor threw herself into a whole new world after a horrible night, and it’s the best the band has ever played. 

“Are you okay?” Taylor looks bewildered.

Hayley sighs. “I’m bad at change. And I’m sorry for being a brat. But you sound amazing with us. And you’re awesome. Thank you.”

Taylor’s quiet for a second. “...it’s no problem. Really.” She tentatively returns the hug, like she’s not sure if she’s allowed.

“You can hug better than that,” Hayley says. 

“What if you disappear, short stack?” Hayley knows it’s supposed to be a short-and-skinny joke, but she can’t help but wonder if she means it figuratively.

“I forgot my invisibility cloak in Pittsburgh,” she says. 

They let go and with a little wave, Hayley goes to bed. She falls asleep right away, feeling better than she has in a while.

-

Of course that stasis goes to shit, because Zac Farro can’t keep his mouth shut. 

The set that day is tense. Hayley stays by Jeremy and Josh, occasionally going over to Taylor’s side of the stage, but every time she does, she can see Taylor glaring bloody murder at Zac, who’s trying to kill his drum set. It makes her miss a few notes, which nobody but her and maybe like five music school kids notice, but it makes her feel like absolute garbage. By the end, no one is in a good mood, not even Jeremy, who’s usually impenetrable. 

Hayley and Josh have to do a radio interview for a local station, so they are whisked away to do that pretty much directly after. As she walks away from the stage, she sees Taylor slap Zac upside the head and run off, him trailing behind. She spends much of the interview on autopilot, bulldozing through the DJ’s attempts to pick her up. All she can think about is what was going on today. Josh kicks her foot under the table as a ‘sorry this guy’s an asshole it’ll be over soon’ gesture. She misses dating him sometimes. 

She doesn’t realize they’re done until she has autopiloted her way over to the table of that New Zealand band who gives out the water. Taylor is engaged in a deep conversation with the bassist, both of them gesticulating wildly and being in the way of fans trying to access the merch. When she spots Hayley, she ends the conversation with the guy and walks toward her with intent.

“You, me, now.” Hayley’s never heard her voice so cold and serious. All she can do is follow. 

Taylor takes them to a patch of fence far away from where anyone can hear. “Did Zac tell you?”

“Tell me what?” 

“You know what I’m talking about, don’t make me say it,” Taylor says, and she’s trying to be menacing, but it doesn’t work with her voice.

“He told me you’re a lesbian, if that’s what you’re talking about,” Hayley says. “He also told me not to say anything so I didn’t.” 

“Don’t be so loud!” Taylor says. They’re both whispering in some distant corner of a vast parking lot. “Why did he tell you?”

“I asked him if you were dating him.”

“And you pressed him further, asked him why, that’s just great.” Taylor looks like she’s gonna cry.

“No, I didn’t! I promise,” Hayley says. For some reason, she wants to touch Taylor’s arm, but she doesn’t. “I think he just needed to tell someone. That’s a big secret to hide.”

“How much did he say?” Taylor says. 

“He told me about the house show, mostly to make me feel like shit for holding that over your head.” Hayley looks away from Taylor, scans the melee a short distance away. “I’m sorry about that by the way. Again. I wish you had told me.”

“Have you told anyone else?” Taylor snaps.

“No!” Hayley says. “Will you please stop treating me like I’m a criminal?”

Taylor’s face falls, softens a little. “Sorry, it’s just. He always makes these decisions that he thinks are best for me behind my back.”

Hayley scoffs. “I know how that feels. A decision was made behind my back to not say anything at all.”

Taylor’s body language goes on the defensive. “That’s different.”

“How is it different?” Hayley says, on the verge of shouting. 

Taylor looks a little bashful. “I didn’t want to make you feel weird.”

“Why would I feel weird?” Hayley says. 

“Well, you’re a girl and I like girls,” Taylor says, as though Hayley is five years old. 

“I don’t try to jump every guy I see, isn’t it the same thing with you?” Hayley says. 

“I guess that’s true,” Taylor says, as though she hadn’t actually considered that. 

Hayley sighs. “I know I’ve been an asshole. I’ve been a brat and spiteful. But I thought we had a good thing going for a little bit now. And I’m so sorry, and I’ll do whatever I can to make it up to you. Can we just go back to being friends again?”

Taylor’s quiet for a little while. Hayley feels tears of frustration threatening to surface but she fights them back.

“I’d like that,” Taylor finally says, so quiet that Hayley almost doesn’t catch it. 

Hayley chances a glance at Taylor. Her hair is such a puffball right now and her cheeks are tinged with sunburn already. She looks so young.

“I’m not going to try anything,” Taylor says. “All I’ve wanted is to be your friend.”

“Same,” Hayley says, and she means it. She inches a little closer to Taylor.

“I’m guessing that’s why you gave me that hug a few nights ago,” Taylor says, but she doesn’t sound angry. 

Hayley feels Taylor’s eyes on her, but she can’t bring herself to look again. “Maybe I just wanted to.”

They let that hang in the air for a moment, both sagging against the fence. Hayley’s palm is flat against the chain link, and she absentmindedly drags it away from her. She feels her pinky nudge Taylor’s, keeping her eyes staring ahead even as she senses Taylor looking down at their hands. She’s not sure who starts it, but soon their pinkies are linked. They stay like that for quite some time, not awkward or uncomfortable. 

Hayley’s stomach feels weird. She must have forgotten to eat again. Yeah, that’s it.


	2. Chapter 2

It feels like whatever is left of their wall crumbles after that. Taylor lets herself laugh at Hayley’s jokes, ropes her into conversations, gives her the other Poptart in the pack - things she’s been doing with the guys for a while now. Hayley knows she’s gonna be in the dog house for a little bit still - she kind of deserves it - but progress, progress. 

As much as she’s been let in, there’s still the matter of her coming out to the rest of the band - and that’s something Hayley can’t be in on, really. As much as it bums her out, Both are held on the bus, which is smart - anyone could spread it on MySpace and it would all be over. She only hears snatches of her conversation with Jeremy, but she hears laughter and high fives after, so that’s a good sign. 

As they walk by the bunks, she hears Jeremy whisper, “You know I’m interviewing every single girl who even has a thought of dating you” and Taylor giggling softly. Jeremy’s the best.

Hayley’s actually around for Taylor telling Josh. She can tell Taylor’s nervous about this one, and Hayley doesn’t blame her. Josh is probably the most devout of all of them, the most strident about the Bible and his upbringing. He and Taylor have always connected over that; Taylor’s planning on getting some kind of tattoo about her faith as soon as she can. That kind of permanence is something Hayley admires. When Taylor sits next to Josh and clears her throat, Hayley buries her face into Deathly Hallows and pretends she’s not listening.

“Uh, Josh?”

“What’s up?”

Out of the corner of her eye, Hayley sees Taylor duck her head. “I need to tell you something.”

“Yeah, sure, what’s going on?” Josh’s voice is pure concern. 

“There’s no easy way for me to say this, so I’m just gonna say it,” Taylor says.

“It would help if you said it.” Now he’s just confused.

“I’m gay,” she says. There’s a dense silence and Hayley presses her face further into the book.

“You’re gay,” he says.

“I’m attracted to girls,” she says. 

“Are you sure?” he says.

“I’m sure, yeah.”

“Do you think that because you’ve never had a boyfriend?”

She hears Taylor makes a frustrated noise, but her voice is level when she speaks. “I’ve never wanted to have a boyfriend.”

Josh is quiet for a while; Hayley imagines him pursing his lip in thought. Taylor coughs.

“Hold on.” 

With that, he gets up and walks to his bunk. Hayley’s gaze follows him, and she sees he has a determined look on his face. She turns to look at Taylor, who is balled up on the front couch. She looks so frail right now, swathed in a hoodie and her rattiest shorts. Her hands are inside the sleeves and her arms are tucked between her bent knees. When she catches Hayley’s gaze, she gives her a thin smile. 

“That could have gone a lot worse,” Taylor says, but her voice is still shaky. 

“Do you want a hug?” Hayley says, because she can’t think of anything else.

“Yes, please,” Taylor replies, holding out her arms, hands still in the sleeves. She looks like a weird penguin.

Hayley gets up from her place at the table and is expecting to sit next to her, but Taylor gets up and meets her halfway. Hayley throws her arms around Taylor’s neck and Taylor scoops her down below. They stay like that for a moment.

“You done good,” Hayley says into Taylor’s shoulder. Two hugs in the span of three days, what is with her?

“Thanks,” Taylor says when they part ways. They’re about to settle back when Taylor comes out with his dinky Macbook open.

“You okay?” Hayley says as Josh shoves it in her hands.

Taylor looks at the screen for a few moments before breaking into a brilliant grin. 

“Addresses, phone numbers, service times. I mean, you obviously can still go to your church with your family, but if you wanted somewhere that has more people like you, you have these options.” He has a hopeful look in his eyes, desperate for approval. This is his way of showing he cares.

“Thank you.” Taylor throws an arm around him.

Hayley’s heart swells. It’s gonna be alright.  
-

Someone sets up a slip ‘n’ slide in one stop’s Bus City, finding a tarp massive enough to cover concrete. Naturally, it’s a disaster.

Contrary to popular belief, Hayley does not like traditional bikinis. She’s either a one piece or tank-ini kinda gal. It’s not because she’s self conscious about her belly or anything - it’s kind of a modesty thing. The weirdest shit about heavy church attendance sticks with her. Also, a practicality thing - she’s so pale. The less skin she exposes, the better. 

She doesn’t play that slip ‘n’ slide game (a bad experience when she was twelve left her with surface burn and poison ivy for two weeks), so she watches from the side, hair in two little buns, big old sunglasses and a weird sarong she got from her grandma. She’s still wearing a tank-ini to give them all the illusion that she’s going to join in. 

“You’re not going to join in, are you?” Taylor says to her right. Hayley turns and she’s wearing about what she expected - baggy T-shirt, mesh shorts. 

“No, bad experience when I was a kid,” Hayley says. “Don’t tell them that though.”

“I’ll dive for the both of us,” she says, and takes off her shirt and shorts. “Hold these for me?”

“Uh, okay,” Hayley says, but she’s already taken off to wait in line. 

Taylor apparently does like bikinis. The one she’s wearing is black (of course it’s black) but it’s a halter with boyshorts - the type that don’t necessarily cover your ass completely. She’s got a little more color than Hayley - still on the pale side but not ghostly. She’s even skinnier without clothes on. Not for the first time, Hayley notices that she carries herself like she’s still short and chubby, making more room for others and not squeezing in when there’s space for her. When she stretches and cracks her joints, all her lean muscles shift and her top rides up a little, hip bones poking out from her bottom. 

Hayley’s thirsty all of the sudden. The air’s so dry here. Her mouth is so dry.

It turns out there’s a competition. Zac, Jeremy, and Taylor represent Paramore (everyone just assumes she’s in the band, even if she’s only a touring member). One by one, people get knocked out until it’s between Taylor and Tony from Motion City. Taylor wins by a landslide, seeing as she’s a teenager and Tony’s in his late twenties. The meet between the two sets of mats to shake hands.

“Good game,” Taylor says.

“Likewise,” Tony says. 

It happens in a split second. One moment, Taylor’s walking back to the rest of the band, the next she’s ambushed by one of the local acts who got knocked out early. One member unties the strings of her top and pulls it clean off, leaving her exposed for a moment. He tries to grab at her chest before she slaps his hand away and throws an arm over herself. The other pulls her shorts halfway down her thighs. She manages to kick Shorts-Guy in the face before he can tug them down further, and he tries to claw at her ass on the way down. She runs right towards Hayley, who throws her the T-shirt and shorts she’s been holding. Tony tackles one of them and drags him over toward the other one, who Zac caught up to.

“She’s a kid, you fucking asshole, what’s wrong with you?” Tony says, shaking the guy. Hayley needs to find her copy of Commit This To Memory immediately. 

Hayley blocks Taylor as best she can while she gets her clothes on. She feels beyond awful for her. It probably should have been her instead, since she’s the girl everyone knows. Hayley doesn’t really care much about her body, but Taylor’s still young and insecure. How could two people do that to someone else, especially over a dumb game? Girls have it hard enough in the scene without guys being gross. Taylor taps her on the shoulder when she’s done. She looks so small and sad, hunched over, face almost blank. 

“It’s probably bus call soon,” Hayley says. “Wanna go inside?” 

Taylor just nods. They go back together and Taylor goes to the back without saying anything. Hayley grabs a popsicle from the freezer and picks up the latest Cosmo issue. She knows she shouldn’t go back there, that Taylor needs space, but she wants to so bad. Finally, the guys come back on the bus, Zac last. 

“How is she?” Josh asks. He too was on the sidelines, but he hurt his ankle yesterday and was playing it safe.

“She’s in the back. I’m giving her space,” Hayley says. “They just gonna chalk it up to tour pranks?”

“Yeah, which is bullshit,” Jeremy says, rolling his eyes. 

Hayley’s stomach feels a little sick. “We doing anything special at least? Party hardy?”

“If you count watching Zoolander, then yeah, it’s special as hell,” Josh says, already walking to the back, since it’s going to take him twice as long.

Hayley’s heard that’s one of Taylor’s favorite movies. “I might join you guys in a bit. Gotta find out three hundred forty ways to please my man.”

“It helps he’s invisible - please don’t throw anything at me!” Zac says when Hayley lifts up a huge book of hers. 

He starts to walk and then turns back. “Hey, uh, see if she wants to watch? She basically has it memorized so she can pick up from anywhere.”

“Yeah, sure, of course,” Hayley says a little absently.

She tries to go back to reading but she can’t concentrate on anything, not even the pictures. She can’t stop thinking about what happened before. How terrible people are and bitter, especially toward someone so sweet like her. And even before that, a deep down shame for being curious about Taylor’s body. Is it because she’s changed so much since they first met? That has to be it.

She puts the magazine back on the table and chucks her popsicle stick in the trash bin. After a moment’s hesitation, she walks to their bunks and pauses by Taylor’s - a bottom one, thankfully. She raps on the frame outside.

“What’s up?” she hears Taylor’s shaky voice say. It sounds like she’s been crying. 

“It’s the police,” she says, and she hears Taylor laugh weakly. “Can I open up?”

“Sure,” Taylor replies, and Hayley draws back the curtain. Taylor’s on her side facing Hayley, wearing yoga pants and a baggy muscle tee. Her eyes are puffy and red, cheeks tinged pink, her eyes a gorgeous green color. “What can I do for you?”

“The guys are watching Zoolander. I’m probably gonna join them. You in?” She resists the urge to tuck Taylor’s stray curl behind her ear. 

“In a little bit I think,” she says. They stare at each other, neither making a move in either direction.

“Can I come in?” 

“Yeah sure,” Taylor says, shifting toward the wall so there’s room. “Good thing you’re a munchkin.”

“You get a free pass today on the short jokes,” Hayley says, sliding in. She closes the curtains on instinct. “Unless you want them open?”

“Keep them closed,” Taylor says. Just like before, they stay still for a moment, neither making a move.

“Fuck it,” Hayley says. “You’re getting a hug whether you want one or not.” 

“Don’t cuss,” Taylor says, automatic from Sunday school. Hayley laughs.

There’s no way to hug someone in a bunk without full on cuddling with them. That’s just a fact. Hayley feels a little awkward about it since she’s another girl; hugging is one thing but cuddling is another. She tries to keep things as careful as possible for both their sakes. She doesn’t want to go past any boundaries those guys bulldozed through. Plus with what happened today, maybe she just wants a presence and nothing else.

“Hug me like you mean it, I’m not gonna break,” Taylor says. Slowly, Hayley pulls her closer so their bodies align, chest to chest, thigh to thigh. Their legs end up twisted up. Hayley squeezes the way she’s wanted to around Taylor’s ribcage, and her face ends up in Taylor’s neck. A feeling bubbles in her gut that she can’t put words to, exactly - an effervescence in her chest spreading through the rest of her. They feel out the quiet for a little while, a stillness in a constant cacophony of a summer tour.

“I think it’s just everyone seeing me,” Taylor says, breaking their silence. “I don’t care much about how I look anymore in the mirror. But I’m not ready for other people to see. That choice got taken away from me, you know?”

Hayley nods. She has definitely sent photos to Josh that could get her in some deep shit - and she took those on purpose.

“I was so scared too, that they found out I’m gay and this is what I get.”

“Taylor, no -” 

“I can’t help it. I’ve tried so hard to like boys but I can’t. I’m broken that way.” Taylor looks cried out, but her voice is still wavering.

So this is where the pain lives. Hayley tucks a loose curl behind Taylor’s ear. “You’re not broken. It doesn’t matter to any of us.”

“You’re the only people who know,” she says. “Chris and Justin don’t know. My dad doesn’t know. My mom doesn’t know. My own mother.”

“When you tell them you’ll be ready,” Hayley says. 

She pauses before she presses a kiss behind Taylor’s ear. Another for good measure. 

Taylor pulls back and looks at her. Her hands are crossed around Hayley’s back and they feel good. Hayley could be good like this forever. That scares her more than anything. 

“Let’s go watch Zoolander, short stack.”

“Okay,” Hayley says and they both roll out of the bunk and into the lounge, where the walk off is about to begin. She’s beginning to like that nickname. 

Taylor settles in next to Josh, which means the only spot left on the couch is next to her. Taylor sits with both legs tucked under, while Hayley sits like a pretzel. There aren’t many places to put your hands, you know, what with the couch not fitting five people very well. The boys were here first, so they’re all spread out, leaving not a lot of room for them to sit, especially with Josh’s foot being propped up. So maybe their knees are touching. So what? And maybe Hayley puts the popcorn between them so they sometimes have to reach at the same time. The boys have had enough popcorn. 

And if Hayley’s hand stays in the crook where their knees meet for the rest of the film, hey, it’s comfy.  
-

Hayley’s never really been touchy with girls.

It kind of goes along with the whole ‘having maybe three female friends’ thing, but she’s always been freaked out by those girls who walked around with their arms linked. Like, don’t you want personal space? And it’s probably a jerk thing from when she was younger, too. She got called gay every day in junior high school and she always thought it was a bad thing. It’s weird now, having a face and name to associate with “lesbian.” _My friend Taylor is a lesbian. She only likes girls. That’s okay!_ The mantra feels like an after school special, but it helps break her out of bad habits.

Taylor is pretty touchy with the boys. She and Zac are always tousling each other’s hair and wrestling and hanging off each other. No wonder people think they’re dating. She’s always hopping on Jeremy’s back for a piggy back ride and giving wet willies to Josh (she loves ragging on Josh because he’s an easy target). Up until now, she’d been cautious still with Hayley, at least when they’re out and about - a touch on the shoulder, a little jab, but nothing further. It kind of hurt, but Hayley hadn’t been sure if she had the right to be offended.

Bunk hangouts start off after the bikini incident, some silliness to ease unease. Hayley paints Taylor’s nails black, trying to not get the polish on her comforter. Taylor tickles Hayley until she almost throws up from laughing so hard, inevitably bumping an elbow or her toes on the confines of the space. They stick glow in the dark stars to the ceiling of Hayley’s bunk. Sometimes Zac’s there already, and she listens to them whisper from her spot in the lounge. Those times, Taylor just shifts Hayley’s time slot back.

One of those later nights, she accidentally falls asleep in Taylor’s bunk. She doesn’t mean to, but it was a heavy day of interviews and signings, and she’s just so tired. When she wakes up, it’s way too early in the morning. Taylor is fitted behind her, dead to the world, mouth slightly open. She nudges her awake.

“I’m still in your bunk,” Hayley whispers.

“Mhm,” Taylor says, still half asleep. She pulls Hayley a little closer. It feels safe.

“Why didn’t you kick me out?” Hayley asks.

She feels Taylor shrug behind her. “Comfy. Go back to sleep.” 

They both do.

Things shift. During the day, they play amazing crowds, who really love the new songs. Hayley still has a soft spot for their first album, but Misery Business is rolling on the regular on MTV and their fans know the words to that three times over. She and Taylor make faces at each other during music breaks. At night, they crawl into whoever’s bunk feels natural at the time. No matter what they do, they almost always drift asleep together. Usually Hayley wakes up first (the little spoon or curled forward into Taylor’s chest) but sometimes Taylor wakes her up.

One early morning, she slips out of Taylor’s bunk to go to the kitchenette and runs into Josh. She tries to act nonchalant, but he gives her a look and a knowing smile. 

“Shut up,” Hayley says, a smile growing on her face too as she makes herself a sandwich.

Josh pours her a cup of coffee and hands it to her. “I didn’t say anything.” 

Alright, so maybe Hayley is touchy with some girls. One particular girl. She tries not to think about it so much. 

-

This whole being single thing does a number on a girl’s sex drive. Hayley’s is going through the roof and there is a serious lack of worthy candidates. Every guy on this tour is either dating someone, gay, or completely unappealing. She’s not going to fuck a fan or a merch guy or a roadie. The only attractive guy she can see is one that she’s already dated, and while she doesn’t hate him, she’ll never do that again. Online dating is for desperate old people. What’s a girl to do? 

Hayley very rarely gets herself off on the road. She’s learned to, for the most part, tune out the guys doing it. They don’t do it often out of respect, but hey, sometimes a person’s got needs. It was awkward at first, especially during van days - after Hayley’s dad stopped driving them around, thank god. Hearing something weird and repetitive, a shift in breath, and then putting the pieces together and feeling a little disgusted. It’s a little sick that she’s learned to recognize who’s getting off at any given time. Jeremy’s relative silence followed by a shaky exhale, Zac’s muffled grunts through a bitten pillow. Josh makes little noises that she wants to record and play whenever he tries to act big and tough.

It’s not that tonight though. At first, she does think it’s Josh, the sounds kind of the same, but Hayley would know him anywhere. It’s from across the way, which doesn’t really narrow it down much. The shuffle sounds a little different, though there’s the repetition. It’s the sharp intake of breath that gets her, pleasure mixed with a bit of pain. It’s a different version of the inhale when Taylor gets a papercut or brushes out a rough knot in her hair. A little noise, a hiccup of an ‘ah’ leaves no doubt in Hayley’s mind who it is. Holy shit.

What does Taylor think about? Well, girls, obviously, but what kind of girls? Hayley doesn’t have any idea what her type is - if she even has a type. Hayley likes a guy with a cute face and strong arms, taller than her (which isn’t hard), a nice smile, and brown hair. That’s not really a type, but it’s basic ideals. Would Taylor want a tall girl? No, probably a shorter one - she seems more at ease with holding people in her arms. Does she like boobs? Asses? She’s seen Taylor’s glance follow a few merch girls as they do their thing around Tent City, but they’ve been wildly different. Is she thinking about them?

A little gasp from Taylor’s bunk brings her back to the present. Hayley imagines Taylor on her back, maybe arched, tangled up in her sheets, hand stuffed down her shorts slung low on her hips. Maybe her shirt (the Smiths shirt tonight, which neither of them talked about) is rucked up, Taylor’s other hand tracing patterns into her stomach, dragging over her chest. Her hair has been getting long and unruly, and it’s probably spilling onto the pillows, dark brown on pristine white. Hayley wonders if the hair at the nape of her neck is damp with sweat from the exertion. 

She doesn’t know what exactly makes her slide her hand down her own sweatpants, but she’s met with instant slick when she touches herself. She tries to think about the usual things - cramped encounters in tight spaces, her on top - but her mind keeps going back to her mental image of Taylor getting off. She’s seen Taylor’s skin - sports bras, bikini tops, little slivers when she stretches, when her shirt is too loose. When they hug, what skin she feels is soft. Is she soft all over? What would happen if Hayley got out of her bunk and went over there? Opened the curtain, like they were going to cuddle, but... not that. Hayley feels sick and weird and ridiculously turned on. 

The soundtrack she’s been inadvertently provided doesn’t hurt either. Hayley runs her fingertips up and down her now bare stomach, stalling on protruding hipbones. She imagines doing this to Taylor. Each trip her fantasy hand takes, she gets closer to the space between fantasy Taylor’s legs, never quite reaching - fear, maybe, or the thrill of a tease. In real time, Hayley’s hand is faster and faster on her clit, borrowing a move from Zac by grabbing a pillow and biting down. She doesn’t want to take any chances.

In her periphery, she hears Taylor attempting to muffle her escalated breathing, and the shuffle of her body losing control. She’s close, and Hayley is too. Her fantasy switches from a teasing build to full blown session - her hand finally reaches between Taylor’s and starts to touch her, ghost light then with more pressure and intent. Fantasy Taylor clutches the sheets and moans loudly, legs sliding around in the cramped space. Hayley’s mind fast forwards to a potential later - sitting on a chair, legs spread, with Taylor kneeled between. She doesn’t know why she thinks about that, but in an instant, she’s coming, unexpected and so hard her eyes roll back in her head. As she bites her pillow hard, she hears a definitive, choked down noise from Taylor’s bunk that can only mean one thing. Well, at least they came together.

A deep feeling of panic settles deep in Hayley’s bones after the initial euphoria fades away. She must really be desperate if she’s resorting to thinking about her new best friend like that. And to think about her in that way when she’s having a private moment. Even if Hayley was a little bit that way, even if it was possible, she wouldn’t just get a crush on the only lesbian she knows. That’s lazy. Taylor would feel awful about that, like an experiment. Just because Hayley’s a girl and Taylor likes girls doesn’t mean they’d work. And besides, Hayley doesn’t do hookups. She’s a long haul kind of a girl. 

This doesn’t mean anything. Hayley’s just tired. She falls asleep as soon as she rolls over, a night of uneasy dreams ahead. 

-

The stressful thing is that it doesn’t go away. It isn’t enough that Hayley is occasionally mortified to look at Taylor - usually when she’s sweaty or out of breath, dark curls sticking to the back of her neck. It’s all the things they’ve become so quickly. She doesn’t know when she started spending every non-obligation moment she had with Taylor. She doesn’t know when they wrote an encyclopedia of inside jokes. She doesn’t know when she stopped pretending they wouldn’t end up sleeping in the same bed, feeling lonely if Taylor wasn’t there. She doesn’t know when Taylor started to wait up for her, lifting the blanket when she crawls in so they can share the heat. 

Tonight is no exception to the way their nights have progressed. Though there’s still a touch of hesitation when they first drift off, by the morning they’ll be all tangled up in one another. In her dream, Hayley’s on a little wooden boat in the middle of the ocean. There’s someone sleeping at the floor of the boat and she’s taking a break from rowing. Suddenly, the ocean picks up, tossing them around and around as if she and this mystery person are stuck in some sort of aquatic bowl.

Suddenly she’s thrown overboard by a massive tidal wave, curved like a scroll, almost a perfect arch. The person at the bottom of the boat - who is Taylor, after all - springs to the top and manages to grab Hayley’s hand, but like a movie, it slips out. Hayley feels herself sinking to the bottom, slow, but the person grabs her and pulls her full body back on the boat. There’s still water in her ears and eyes as Taylor shakes her and shouts her name.

“Hayley, wake up, please,” Taylor says, coming into focus, a resonance that could only be part of real life.

“I’m awake, I’m awake, what’s up,” she says, only just snapping out of sleep.

“You’re alive,” Taylor says. 

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Hayley says. “What’s wrong?”

“Bad dream,” Taylor says. “It’s not, like, life threatening, I just wanted to make sure you were safe.

“Wanna talk about it?” Hayley says. “It might make you feel better.”

“I don’t want to bother you,” Taylor says, in that way that means she does want to talk about it but isn’t sure if she should. 

“I don’t mind, I promise,” Hayley says.

“I was in the bottom of a boat,” Taylor says. “And I was laying on my stomach dozing off, and there was someone sitting on the plank above me, and I knew it was you somehow. And suddenly the boat started rocking because the water around it cupped the boat? Like it was a bowl or something. And then the person went overboard and I knew it was you, so I sprung up and tried to grab you but your hand slipped through mine and you started sinking. When I pulled you up on the boat, I shook you because you weren’t waking up -”

“I had a dream like that, except I was drowning and you saved me,” Hayley says. “I think we had the same dream.”

Taylor just breathes for a few long, tense moments before speaking. “At least we’re safe, you know? Like, we’re both okay.” 

“Yeah,” Hayley breathes out. “We are.”

“And you’re okay, right?” Taylor says, and she sounds so young.

“Yeah, I am,” Hayley says, because she is - she is now, anyway. 

When Taylor’s hug tightens, Hayley rubs Taylor’s back through her shirt. They’re pressed along each other, Taylor clinging to Hayley like she’s going to fly away, but Hayley’s not sure it’s enough. Before she can really register what’s happening, she’s inching her hands under Taylor’s shirt and up her back. She doesn’t mean this in a perverted way. She just wants Taylor to feel cared for. When Taylor tenses up, she draws her hands out.

“I’m sorry,” Hayley says. “Let’s just go to sleep.”

Taylor’s breath hitches. “...I didn’t say to stop.”

Hayley heart jolts at the sound of those words. She hesitates for a few seconds before sliding her hands under Taylor’s shirt again. She scales up and down Taylor’s back, and like she thought, the skin underneath is impossibly soft and warm. She feels her bones beneath her skin - really, they need to start feeding her two servings at meals - and the bumps of a few beauty marks. She presses a kiss to Taylor’s bare shoulder, next to the strap of her tank top. Taylor’s hands start to make their own journey under Hayley’s shirt. Her hands feel like fire on Hayley’s skin, and she shivers, trying to find some way to meld herself with the touch. Taylor kisses her on the forehead - maybe it’s too bold, but it feels right at this time. 

“I’m here,” Hayley says. “I’m real and I’m alive and I’m stinky.”

“So stinky,” Taylor says. “I’m going to throw you into the next body of water we pass.”

“That won’t do anything. That will probably make it worse. All the creepy crawlies.” She scales her fingers up and down Taylor’s back like little legs. Taylor’s giggle sends a rush of happiness through her body. 

“You’ll have a new hair style onstage,” Taylor says. “Trend setter. Bug girl. But they don’t know that the only type of bug you are is a cuddlebug.”

“That was really bad,” Hayley says, but she can’t stop smiling. “Like, the worst. I know this is your bunk but you have to leave, I’m sorry.”

“Please sleep, for Pete’s sake,” Zac says from across the way, and they both look at each other with wide eyes.

“Good night,” Hayley says.

“Night,” Taylor says, just as quickly.

They don’t move their hands, even when they fall asleep.  
-

The stage is soaked with rain, but the fans stayed, so they’re halfway through the set when Taylor slips during Pressure. Hayley doesn’t notice at first because she’s singing the second chorus, and she assumes the momentary cut out of the rhythm is because of a fuse shorting. But when Zac starts drumming one handing and pointing at Taylor (who’s still playing, because she’s crazy), Hayley runs over and helps her up. She finishes the song holding Taylor up, which is hard - even though she doesn’t weigh much, she’s still 5’9”. 

After the last chords ring out, Hayley squeezes Taylor’s waist. “Can y’all give it up for Taylor York?” 

The crowd of course, goes nuts, and Taylor smiles. Hayley continues. “Seriously, she took a hard hit and kept playing on the ground being rained on. She’s a champ. Thank you all for staying with us and get home safe!” 

“We should get to first aid,” Zac says, taking over holding up Taylor. “I don’t think anything’s broken or sprained, just to make sure she didn’t hit her head.”

“I’ll hit your head,” Taylor says, and she just sounds a little worn out. Hayley got a concussion once, and she was loopy and spacey for hours. 

When they get to the station, the woman at First Aid takes a brief examination of Taylor and tell’s Zac that “your girlfriend’s fine, just let her relax the rest of the day and get a little ice for her head” before giving her a juice box and sending her off. Everyone rips on Taylor and Zac the whole time, and Hayley’s just grateful that Taylor’s just flipping them off and not looking woozy. 

Hayley takes over Taylor Duty (a term she makes clear she resents) and they make it back on the bus first. Taylor sits and leans back as Hayley roots around the freezer. She takes out the last of the two crayon popsicles that they bought during their last supermarket run, giving Taylor the blue one and herself the yellow/green one. As they eat their pops and idly chit-chat, Taylor’s expression becomes a little less worrisome and a lot more alert. It’s a relief. When she sits back down, Taylor’s even smiling. 

“Look, see? All better now,” Hayley says, and bops Taylor on the nose with her pointer finger.

“Thanks, Dr. Hayley,” Taylor says in that ridiculous Kermit the Frog voice.

“Any time,” Hayley says, and leans in to give Taylor their now customary peck on the cheek.

Except Taylor turns her head at that exact moment and suddenly, they’re kissing. There’s a brief moment of shock, then Hayley’s eyes fall shut and she leans in a little bit. Just a little. She feels Taylor do the same. Her lips are sweet and sticky from the popsicles. It’s nice. 

However, just as soon as it starts, Taylor tears herself away. She gapes at her, a look of panic in her eyes that breaks Hayley’s heart.

“I’m so sorry,” Taylor starts to stammer. There’s a faint tinge to her cheeks that Hayley knows isn’t sunburn. “I should probably go lay down -”

“Hey, no, it’s okay -” she starts to say when Taylor starts to walk away from her. 

She tries to grab her arm but Taylor’s too fast for her. In the split second before she’s already behind the curtain, Hayley swears she sees Taylor’s face twisted downward, her cheeks fully red. 

Most of the rest of the day is like that - Hayley trying to talk, Taylor deflecting and moving away from her when she sits close. The others don’t really notice - except for Zac, but that’s more of a hyperawareness of his best friend’s mood changes. The rain gets worse, so they’re trapped inside even before the bus starts moving. There’s only so much you can avoid another person in a tightly enclosed space. When they all settle in for the night due to lack of other ideas, the tension between them is insurmountable. 

Hayley drifts into an uneasy sleep. She dreams that she’s following someone down a hall lined with doors. The person has cascading hair that shifts with every corner they turn. Hayley knows it’s Taylor somehow, but whenever she tries to ask, the face that turns back is blank and transparent. They’re searching for something, looking in every other door, and they all make a mechanical sound when they shut, a ‘ka-thunk‘ that gets louder until dream-Hayley crashes into a wall, sending real-Hayley into the real world.

“What’s going on?” she asks as she stumbles into the front, still halfway in her dream.

Zac and Jeremy are already up there. Jeremy looks up from his Sidekick. “Bus broke down.”

“That’s just great,” Josh says from behind her, eyes bleary. He’s always been a light sleeper. 

“Let’s just camp out, man,” Zac says. “You know, like we used to.”

Hayley has mixed feelings about those days. Seeing the stars was beautiful; hanging out with bugs and mice was not. Still, she doesn’t want to seem like a priss. “Yeah, why not?”

“Do we even have tents?” And there’s Taylor, hair bedraggled, still holding a pillow.

“The label’s putting us up for the night,” Jeremy says, holding up his phone. “Just a place that’s serviceable but not come-stained.” They all make faces at that, which makes Jeremy stick out and wag his tongue. 

It turns out they’re not that far from the place and they can easily walk there. Hayley spends the time pretty much glued to Jeremy’s side, looking back at Taylor, who is trailing behind everyone else. Her bedhead is wild right now and her eyes are bleary. Josh and Zac are huddled close together in deep discussion about something. Usually that’s how it goes, and it’s weird to have someone extra in that mix.

When they get to the motel, the label has rented out two rooms for them - one with one bed and one with two. Everyone’s arguing about who should do what when Taylor speaks up.

“Hayley and I can take the one bed, you boys take the two bed,” she says. She flashes Hayley a thin smile. “There, easy.”

Everyone agrees with that; Hayley tries to ignore the swoop in her stomach. When they get there, Taylor grabs one of their room keys and hands Hayley the other one, walking out the door and toward their little corner of the motel without saying a word. Having forgotten her toothbrush on the bus, she gets a new one at the desk in exchange for signing the manager’s daughter’s copy of RIOT, making promises to take a picture with the girl in the morning. By the time she gets to the room, Taylor is already asleep on one far end of the bed. Hayley brushes her teeth, washes her face in the dimly lit bathroom, and tries not to feel empty. It’s a hot night, so she should be grateful for the air conditioner, but when she crawls into bed, everything is too cold. 

Hayley wakes up sometime later to a comforting weight and heat pressing her into the mattress. When her eyes adjust to the darkness of the room, she realizes it’s just Taylor. Her deceptively skinny arm is around her, heavy as lead and warm like the sun, wrist hanging off where it meets the curve of Hayley’s waist. Her mouth is slightly open and her hair is an absolutely mess on the pillows. When she breathes, she has the tiniest baby snore, which is adorable. Hayley finds herself shifting to get closer without waking Taylor up. It’s nice to actually have room to cuddle.

Hayley’s about as subtle as a freight train though, and Taylor shakes awake mere seconds after she inches closer. In her half asleep state, she splays her palm against Hayley’s back under her tank top, more relaxed than the last time. Her hands are big, way bigger than Hayley’s own, and Hayley leans back into the touch. Yes, good. Then, suddenly Taylor’s eyes snap open and her breath takes on that same panicked pace it’s had all day. She goes to move her arm and gets about halfway there before Hayley reaches up and grabs her wrist. 

“I’m sor-” Hayley holds a finger up to her lips before she can finish, slightly off-kilter in the dark.

“It’s okay.” Hayley guides her arm back around her and tangles their feet together like always. She’s not sure if it’s her own heartbeat or Taylor’s that she’s hearing.

“It’s okay?” Taylor says, unsure, even as her fingertips trace patterns on Hayley’s half-bare back. 

“Yeah.” Hayley closes the gap between them.

There’s a moment where they’re just still, and Hayley can take everything in. Taylor has already closed her eyes, her long dark eyelashes nearly brushing the shadow under her eyes. Now that she actually has a chance to process it, Taylor’s lips are so soft. She wants more, way more than this, but she doesn’t want to scare Taylor. She’s already scaring herself, thinking about how she wants to touch her all over.

Taylor makes a little noise and presses in, pulling Hayley closer. Finally. _Finally._ Hayley’s eyes fall shut, letting herself be in the moment. She’s the first one to open the kiss up, tongue shyly seeking Taylor’s permission before they really start to get into it. She tangles one hand in Taylor’s hair, tugging at it, and swallows her squeak with a kiss. Taylor’s clumsy in the way that reads inexperience, but that’s okay. She makes up for it in enthusiasm, in presence, in making Hayley feel wanted. Neither of them seem ready to turn on the light yet, but Taylor makes her way down Hayley’s neck and to her collarbone just fine. Hayley tugs on her curls to bring her back up. Taylor’s hands linger on her lower back, too polite to go lower. It’s so sweet.

“Hey, can we stop for a second?” Taylor asks, volume just above a whisper. They stop and draw apart, hands not exactly retreating.

“Yeah, what’s up?” Hayley can see the curve of her jaw in the dark and wants to kiss it, but holds back.

“So. Uh.” Taylor sighs, breathes in, out, in. “I like you.”

Hayley’s been waiting for this, but it’s still a sucker punch. “And not in a friends way. Like, I think about kissing you all the time, and whenever we hug I don’t want to let go. And I always want you to fall asleep in my bunk. Even if I’m a weirdo who’s been listening to nothing but the Smiths since you gave me that shirt.”

Hayley thinks that’s adorable. She tries to tell her that but Taylor continues. “I know that you’re straight. But am I misreading your signals? Because like, I’m fine with just being your friend, but I don’t want to be an experiment. This is real for me.”

Hayley takes a second to think, really think about it. She thinks about Taylor jumping into their world without hesitation. Her quick comebacks when boys ask Hayley stupid questions. Her hugs and how she smells. Her hipster taste in music, but how she’ll always humor Hayley when she puts on NSYNC. Their long talks everywhere they can manage to be together. She breathes in and realizes the scent is Taylor’s shampoo - a smell that she tries to savor when it’s on her pillows. Any bed feels empty without her. It hasn’t been that long at all, but that doesn’t even matter. 

“It’s real for me too,” Hayley says. It’s the truest thing she’s ever said in her life. “Turn on the light? I want to see you.” 

Taylor breaks away just long enough to put the lamp on its lowest setting. She drags Hayley close, pulling her into a real embrace. That little space between them is now obsolete, and Hayley tangles their legs together even more. Taylor puts her lips on Hayley’s neck and Hayley just melts into her, pressing her into another kiss.

Being this close to a girl is different. Taylor’s legs are smooth, and her waist dips in after her hip. Her skin is so soft, so much softer than any boy she’s been with, and it’s even softer beneath her sheer night clothes. Even though neither of them have big boobs, having Taylor’s pressing against her own is still strange (though not unwelcome). The most telling part is her face though: a stubble free face, that soft jaw. The lines of her body are sleek as she lays on her back. Even her hands, big as they are when they pull Hayley on top of her, are soft and slender. 

It’s not as obvious that Taylor is turned on as it would be with a guy. Hayley presses her knee experimentally between Taylor’s legs, sucking on her earlobe. Her mouth goes dry and hot when Taylor whimpers and grinds. Hayley in turn presses herself hard against Taylor’s thigh, the rub of her thin layers so good. She’s always thought that messing with a girl would be like masturbation, but it’s really not. Taylor moves differently than her, smells different, feels different. Hayley’s hand seems to have a mind of its own as it shifts down to the waistband of Taylor’s shorts.

“Can I...?” Hayley whispers. 

“Uh,” Taylor says, “maybe not tonight?”

Hayley goes into panic mode. Is it something she did? Is she moving too fast? She doesn’t want to seem like a perv or a creep. She often forgets that other people aren’t as randy as she is. 

“Oh gosh, you didn’t do anything wrong,” Taylor says, seeming to sense Hayley’s distress.

“I don’t want to push you, that was inappropriate,” Hayley says, bashful. 

“You’re perfect,” Taylor says. “it’s just... uh. Well.”

“Well what?” Hayley says. “You can tell me, it’s okay.” 

“You’re gonna make fun of me,” Taylor says in her Kermit voice.

“No, I’m not,” Hayley says. “Pinky promise.” She even finds Taylor’s pinky and hooks hers with it.

“Thatwasmyfirstkiss,” Taylor says.

“What now?” Hayley says. “That was a really long word.”

“Shut up,” Taylor says. “That was my first kiss.”

“Really?” Hayley says. “That’s so cute.”

“I’m such a loser,” Taylor says, putting her hands on her face.

Hayley takes Taylor’s hands off her face. “Stop that. You’re not a loser.”

Taylor shakes her head. “I haven’t done anything. And you’re so beautiful and you’ve dated people before...”

Hayley’s still processing Taylor casually calling her beautiful. “Hey, I’ve never done anything with a girl.”

“Nothing?” Taylor looks skeptical.

“Not even a kiss for spin the bottle, truth or dare, none of that. This is new for me too.”

Taylor’s face changes. A question answered. A door opened. “That’s a relief.”

Hayley leans in and kisses Taylor deeply, taking her time in letting their lips part.  
“Listen. You’re really cute. And I like you - yes, in that way. And I wanna do stuff with you when you’re ready. Okay?”

“Okay,” Taylor says, a nervous tremor in her voice. “Thanks. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry!” Hayley says. The enormity of this new territory is hitting her now, too.

“Do you still wanna make out?” Taylor says, suddenly shy.

Hayley just pounces on her as a reply, and Taylor readily accepts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter should be up within the next few days (current date 6/5/15). it's already halfway done - just need to tie up some loose ends.
> 
> xo, m


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning, bright and early, they end up showing up last to their now repaired bus. Hayley thinks they’re doing a pretty good job of being inconspicuous, but the collective look on the boys’ faces says otherwise.

“Hey!” Hayley says, probably too enthusiastically.

“Hello there, ladies,” Jeremy said, shit eating grin on his stupid face.

“Did you have a good night’s sleep?” Zac says. He looks way too pleased for Hayley’s liking.

“Yeah, why?” Taylor says. She’s way better at this game than Hayley will ever be.

Josh can barely contain his smile. “We heard a little noise from your room. Weird dreams, Hayley?”

“Oh, yeah that,” Hayley says. “I woke Taylor up because I was apparently talking in my sleep. You know I do that.”

Josh raises his eyebrows, smirk now in full bloom. “Actually, you’re a pretty silent sleeper.” 

Hayley hopes Josh steps on, like, five Legos. 

“Bus is up and running, yeah?” Taylor says to the group, but mostly to Zac, who is grinning like a loon.

“Fork it over, Davis,” he says, holding out his hand while keeping his eyes on Taylor. “You too, bro.”

“I don’t have twenty dollars,” Jeremy says woefully. He fishes out five dollars and a Wendy’s coupon from his wallet. 

“Hey, why do I have to give you money?” Josh says. “I bet with you!”

“Jeremy said they’d wait until we got home. You bet with me that they’d hook up sooner, but you said next week, and I said this week. So you forfeit half of your bet. You owe ten dollars.”

“I owe you squat,” Josh says. “Except maybe a kick in the nuts.”

“I hate you all,” Hayley says. 

Taylor’s just shaking her head, laughing to herself. “We actually have a job to do, y’all, so let’s get going, yeah?” 

The boys trudge along in front of them, Zac looking way too smug for his own good. Taylor smacks his ass to set him straight, keeping one hand on Hayley’s back. Hayley leans into her touch. 

Well, at least that obstacle’s over with. 

-

The next time they get to fool around is kind of spontaneous.

They’ve been stealing kisses everywhere they can - load in lots, ducked behind walls, and one memorable time in a handicapped bathroom stall (both of them clothed, but the lemon cleaner smell is one that will not be erased from Hayley’s memory any time soon). They’ve gotten uninterrupted pockets of makeout time in the back lounge, but someone always appears if Hayley even has the faintest idea of fooling around. She can tell that Taylor’s getting more frustrated too, which is reassuring in the very least. Her kisses are getting more passionate, more urgent, more resulting in Hayley having to get off by herself in bathrooms and bunks at night. She hasn’t felt this desperate since she - well, she’s still a teenager, but since she was a younger teenager. 

They’re hanging out in Taylor’s bunk, critiquing outfits in an issue of Vogue that Hayley picked up at the last rest stop they went to. For someone whose wardrobe is pretty much exclusively black, Taylor has pretty good style. It’s nice to have someone to do this with. Josh would humor her but he wasn’t as genuinely intrigued as Taylor is. Taylor’s flat on her back with Hayley partially pulled on top of her, head propped up on one elbow. For once, Hayley is grateful that she’s short. Along with Taylor being skinny, they can hang out in a bunk with much less issue. 

“That?” Taylor says, pointing to a dress with a big old Shakespeare collar.

“Maybe that’s MCR’s concept for their next album,” Hayley says and they both burst into laughter. They’re really cool guys, but Gerard’s a little ridiculous. She spots something that looks like a plaid boy scout uniform. “That’s actually kind of cute.”

“Is it Vivienne Westwood?” Taylor scans the page. “Oh snap, it is. Booyah.”

“Very good! You’re learning, so proud,” Hayley says.

Taylor gives her a look and flips a few pages ahead. “What about those? You could wear them,” Taylor says, pointing at a model with a pair of shorts that basically look like underwear.

“No way,” Hayley says. She could in that they’d fit on her body, but she wouldn’t. 

Taylor’s smile borders devilish. “Not even onstage? I think it would go over really well with the fans.” 

“Oh, I’m sure,” Hayley says, and she knows she’s skirting into potentially dangerous territory. “I don’t know if I want to hop around in my panties onstage. Not quite there yet.” 

“You’re right. I kind of have this streak going of not messing up my guitar parts onstage. I wouldn’t want to ruin that by being distracted.” She moves her hand to Hayley’s waist but doesn’t do anything further. 

“Oh, what about this,” Hayley says, pointing to a sharp pantsuit, black and skintight, a one button lapel with no shirt or bra underneath.

“Do I get a shirt under it at least? A sports bra?” Taylor says, looking skeptical.

“None of the above,” Hayley says. “Keep the jacket button open, too. You’d have to be so careful. No running around for you.”

“I’d just have my back facing you the whole time. So you couldn’t see,” Taylor says, eyes wicked.

“That’s just mean,” Hayley says.

“You’ll live,” Taylor says, and goes back to leafing through the magazine.

“Oh yeah?” Hayley says and starts a full offensive tickle on her side.

Taylor yelps and skirts away, trying not to fall out and to get away at the same time. She is beyond ticklish. If you breathe on her she starts that nervous high pitched laugh that borders on shrill. Taylor’s ticklish pretty much everywhere, so Hayley aims straight for her thighs and the back of her knees, which elicit the cutest giggles. At the same time, Taylor aims for Hayley’s sensitive spots - neck, feet, tummy, standard stuff. Hayley doesn’t think anyone would believe that this butterball was the same dead serious girl gracing the stage every day. 

What starts off as playful, however, turns into something a little more rough, a little more dangerous. Shorts and shirts get hiked up, skin against sensitive skin. Taylor smells really good, fresh, and Hayley wants to disappear inside the scent. When Hayley’s hand lands on the inside of Taylor’s thigh at the same time Taylor’s hand slips under the clasp of Hayley’s bra, it’s the last straw. They stare at each other, out of breath. Taylor’s eyes are wide, her pupils blown, and she’s breathing heavily. Hayley’s sure she looks twice as wrecked. The ache between Hayley’s legs is becoming a throb. 

“Can I touch you?” Hayley is keeping her hand at a safe distance. 

“Yeah,” Taylor croaks and pulls down her shorts a little for easier access.

Hayley had imagined this to be a scary moment of revelation, but Taylor looks about the same as she does downstairs. She’s surprised that Taylor doesn’t shave completely. Hayley though that all girls did, that it was just a thing that you do. Josh always used to make faces if her pubic hair got stubbly. It looks right though. She reaches out and touches it lightly. It’s coarse but not dense. Maybe she should start growing hers out. She moves her hand up and runs her fingers across Taylor’s hip bones and pelvis, where everything pokes out and dips in. Her breath is hot and shaky. 

“Is the hair gross? Sorry,” Taylor says, and she sounds ashamed.

“I like it,” Hayley says, kissing her cheek. She drags her hand lower and starts to touch her.

Okay, there’s no room for doubt that Taylor is turned on. She’s so wet that exploring her is a breeze. Hayley wiggles her fingers, rubbing Taylor’s clit and rolling her lips between her fingers. Hayley is going into this completely blind, but she tries to at least imitate what gets her off, and that works well enough. She keeps kissing Taylor to keep her from making noise, but when she starts making a circular motion over her clit with her fingertips, Taylor breaks off and starts to breathe heavily, her exhales punctuated with sweet little “ah!” noises. 

Hayley rubs faster, fingers slick and sloppy. Her nails sometimes catch at the wrong angle and scratch her, making Taylor whine a little, but Hayley apologizes with kisses.

“Oh, fuck, Hayley,” Taylor says. 

Hayley didn’t think she could get turned on by someone swearing, but it sounds so wrong - yet so right - out of Taylor’s mouth. When she comes, she bites the inside of her wrist to stop from crying out, and it’s the hottest thing Hayley’s even seen. 

When Hayley slips her hand away, her fingers are soaked. She holds them up to her nose to smell - different but oddly pleasant. She licks her finger to taste it - surprisingly mellow. Taylor is panting beneath her, little voiced breaths that make Hayley’s stomach twist. Her eyes widen as Hayley licks her fingers, an obscene, slow sucking too. Both of them are damp and sweaty, but she doesn’t mind. 

“Let me,” Taylor says and Hayley nods. They finagle their way in the cramped space so that they’re side by side. Hayley tugs down her sweatpants but forgets to take her panties with them. It doesn’t matter though - Taylor just pushes them aside and starts to explore. Her calluses from playing guitar feel especially good all over. Taylor borrows Hayley’s move and starts to rub with her thumb. After a few tentative moments, she slides a finger inside her as well. It’s so good, so good, but’s it’s a lot at once. Rub burn is never fun. 

“Slow down a little, hun,” Hayley says, giving her a kiss on the forehead so she doesn’t feel bad about it.

“Sorry,” Taylor says, and slows to a snail’s pace, on purpose no doubt. She goes back to a normal speed when Hayley glares at her, with that annoying devilish grin. She can be such a sassafras sometimes. 

They end up pressed tightly together, Hayley’s face in Taylor’s shoulder, lazily mouthing kisses all along her collarbone. All snafus and tricks aside, Hayley lasts maybe half as long as Taylor did, and that’s being charitable. Maybe it’s how long she’s gone without, or their closeness, or just Taylor. Her orgasm crashes through her with a spasm, causing her to knee Taylor hard in the gut and bite her shoulder at the same time. Taylor’s face is comically shocked, but Hayley feels awful.

“I’m so sorry!” Hayley says, filled with panic. She always ruins everything. 

Taylor coughs and starts laughing in her coughing. “I’m flattered.”

Later, long after Taylor has fallen asleep, Hayley is reading Anna Karenina when Jeremy pokes his head in.

“Yo, Jerm.” She knows why he’s here - he’s in the bunk above Taylor’s - but she isn’t gonna make it easy for him.

“You’re no longer allowed to bitch when I bring girls here,” Jeremy says. He’s trying to be serious but it’s not working very well, breaking into a smile after about ten seconds.

Hayley’s slightly mortified for a split second, then remembers countless nights of waiting outside the van until Jeremy was done with a girl. “You got it. Night.”

“Night, little lady,” he says, and hoists himself up into his bunk. 

-

“So,” Taylor says, over their breakfast of one Pop Tart each. “We’re playing early today.”

“Ugh, I know, it sucks,” Hayley says. “I sound crappy before noon.”

“That’s not what I mean. What I’m saying is we should hang out. Alone,” Taylor says. She sounds confident but her cheeks are pink from embarrassment.

“Like a date?” Hayley says, lowering her voice halfway through the sentence. Taylor nods. 

“There’s a town not too far from here. They’ve got a little movie theater. We could wear, like, not crappy clothes. Not have to look over our shoulders. I dunno, just a thought.”

Hayley feels so giddy she could yell. She wants to run around and shout. Instead, she just nods. Taylor nods back.

The set is short, sweet, and complete. Hayley and Taylor are especially bouncy, which seeps into the energy of the rest of them, even stoic Josh. She plays with her back against his and he cracks that beautiful smile that made her fall in love with him. The fans go wild, of course - there are dot net forum threads dedicated to their torrid secret love. (Sometimes, she wants to go on and say “you’re a little late on the timeframe there” but she doesn’t want to add fuel to the fire. Their fans are hilarious and nuts and kind of the best.) They both shake their heads and keep on going. 

The crowds are finally getting used to Taylor being onstage, and they love her too. Even during Hayley’s speeches, people (mostly shirtless dudes) shout, “LET ME HAVE YOUR BABIES TAYLOR!” The look on Taylor’s face makes it worth the wave of annoyance she feels. She just remembers that Taylor’s all hers and that’s enough. 

Date means actual shower means shaving means yanking out the nice clothes from the bottom of her suitcase. She puts on a sundress she picked up at a Goodwill when they recorded, a simple blue thing with small pinprick patches of white. She opts for flats because it’s a rather cool day today, and throws a cardigan in her purse in case it’s cold in the movie theater. Simple braids, big old sunglasses, sunblock and lipgloss - she’s ready. 

When she heads out into the front, Taylor’s looking at her compact, putting on a little coverup. Hayley wishes she didn’t; when they wake up in the morning, Taylor looks so pretty without it. Her hair is getting long now, past her shoulders, and parts of it are red from the sun. She’s wearing a blue V-neck and her nicest pair of cutoffs with Vans. When they hug, Hayley just wants to never let her go. She looks up, and her eyes are darker today than they usually are, a softer brown.

“You look so cute,” Taylor says, and leans in for a little peck, angled away from any windows.

“You look cuter,” Hayley says, which makes Taylor blush. “Let’s roll.” 

“Ohh, fancy,” Jeremy says when they get outside, pinching Hayley’s nose. “And you shaved. What’s the special occasion?”

“We’re going into town!” Hayley shouts, linking arms with Taylor, who’s playing the part of the begrudging... friend very well. “Girls’ day, before you ask to come with. ”

“Why’s it gotta be a girl’s day, huh? What’s so bad about us?” Zac says, thumping his chest. Taylor flips him off.

“You’re wonderful people, but you collectively smell like a trash can. We need fresh air.” 

“I don’t smell. Does that mean I can come with?” Josh says, pouting. She feels a little bad - he’s been needing to get a few things and they haven’t had time for a while. 

“No, but I’ll pick you up some lotion and body mist,” she says, and even Taylor smiles when Josh flutters his eyelashes and flips his wrist.

“I don’t wanna third wheel your date anyway,” he says, sticking his tongue out. 

They make a mad dash (before anyone notices) toward the car they’re borrowing from a volunteer. (The girl - Holly, as she said forty times - looked like she was gonna faint when they approached her. Signed merch and a bunch of pictures later, the car is theirs until the evening.) Hayley thinks about Josh’s comment - third wheeling their date - and yeah, yeah it really is a date. She grins super big at that. 

“CUCUMBER MELON!” Josh shouts after them as they drive away. Hayley’s happy they can be silly with each other again. It’s gonna be okay. Finally.

Hayley drives because she’s missed driving, especially on the highway. Taylor isn’t too happy about it. She spends the ride pouting in the passenger seat and staring longingly at the steering wheel. Hayley refuses to indulge her because she knows she’s only teasing, given the way she lingers in the passenger seat when they finally manage to find a parking space. It’s a small town, probably connected to a local college, and the streets are lined with cute little coffee shops and bookstores. It reminds her a little bit of Franklin. 

Hayley’s about to walk ahead of Taylor when she notices her staring at a store a few doors down. There’s a rainbow flag hanging in it. A lot of doors have the stickers too, even the ones across the street, flashes of color beside doorknobs. Taylor cautiously laces their fingers together. Hayley squeezes once and swings their hands a little as they walk down the sidewalk. Here, they’re not two prominent members of a band on the up and up, slotted into neat little roles. Here, they’re just two regular girls on a date. 

They pop into a place that has decently priced lunch food and a cozy, kitschy atmosphere. (Hayley will never admit that she loves places like this.) Taylor treats, which Hayley glares at her for. When Taylor goes to the restroom, Hayley surveys their baked goods, trying to distract herself from her jitters. 

The barista, a woman in her forties with long grey hair, smiles at her. “First date?”

“Sort of,” Hayley says, which works well enough.

“First date with a girl?” the woman says, and Hayley’s eyes widen on instinct. These people don’t care. There’s a flag in their window. They don’t care.

“Stop being nosy, Joan,” says the woman with the buzzcut making Taylor’s wrap. “She’s only a baby. You’re going to scare her.”

Hayley does not appreciate being called a baby, thank you. But Joan sighs and shakes her head. “I’m sorry. I forget who I’m talking to sometimes. You don’t have to answer anything.”

“It’s fine,” Hayley says. She’s never gonna see these people again. “It’s my first anything with a girl.” 

Joan looks wistful. “Ah, to be young again. You having fun?”

“Yeah,” Hayley says. “Yeah, I’m having a lot of fun.”

“You’re not sure though. About yourself,” Joan says. What’s with her ESP?

“It just feels a little late to be figuring stuff out,” Hayley says. “I always thought you were supposed to know if you were that way.”

Joan actually laughs. “I didn’t date women until I met Kathy over here, and I was nearly thirty. And married.”

“Married?” That puts things into perspective.

“Brace yourself, honey,” Kathy says, setting Taylor’s food and drink onto the counter and moving back to make Hayley’s stuff. “She loves to tell this story. There’s no stopping her.”

“I was married,” Joan says, talking over Kathy. “To my college sweetheart. He was my first boyfriend. We were in the same industry. So much in common. I thought we were going to be together forever.”

That sounds awfully familiar. “He was it.”

“Right,” Joan says. “And he was. We worked in the Berkshires doing summer theater pretty much every year. I did costumes, he was an actor - you get the picture.”

“Yeah,” Hayley says. It sounds like a nerdy Warped Tour. “Go on.”

“Right. So I walked into the costume shop one day and there was this girl I’d never seen before. She looked like a total punky brat - short with tattoos and piercings and dyed choppy hair. She looked like she was in the wrong place. But there she was, putting the touches on a beautiful dress, and I was instantly in love.”

Kathy shrugs. “I thought she was smokin’ but I knew she was married and I figured she was straight, so I steered clear. Only one of those ended up being true.”

“How long ago was that, Kathy?” Joan says. 

“Too long,” Kathy says, but Hayley can hear the smile in her voice. 

They’re really cute. Will she and Taylor grow to be like them, bickering but still in love? Hayley could see herself loving Taylor, which is terrifying. She just hopes they last the summer.

Taylor comes back at that moment. 

“Did you fall in?” Hayley says.

Taylor gives her a look similar to the one Kathy just gave Joan. “I got distracted by the paintings, for your information. Your bathroom’s really cool, ma’am.”

“Thank you,” says Joan, grinning.

“She’s absurdly proud of that bathroom,” Kathy says, and even in her sarcasm, Hayley can hear a thread of deep affection. She sounds a little like Taylor does sometimes.

They pick a spot on the back patio - it’s way too beautiful to not be outside - at a little table with two upholstered chairs and an umbrella to give a little shade. Even with SPF, Hayley’s feeling the tinge of oncoming sunburn, so she’s grateful. They’re not one of those couples (couples?) that sits on the same side because they’re not assholes, but they’re playing footsie under the table and holding hands. It’s gross. Hayley loves it. 

“Sooooo.” Hayley takes a sip of her iced tea and looks at Taylor expectantly.

“I don’t like the number of Os in that,” Taylor says. “More than three is never good. What’s on your mind?”

“How long have you liked me?” Hayley asks, grinning and hooking her foot with Taylor’s under the table. It’s a loaded question, she knows it.

Taylor finishes chewing and swallows. There’s a little bit of sauce on the corner of her mouth, which she licks off, much to Hayley’s chagrin. “I guess for a while now. I only figured it out this summer though.”

“What does a while mean?” 

Taylor pauses, like she’s unsure if she should divulge. “When you started dating Josh and you were around all the time.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“You barely acknowledged my existence!”

Taylor shrugs. “Whenever I tried to talk to you, it came out nothing like I thought it would. I had trouble even looking at you.”

Hayley remembers those times vaguely - when she’d be cuddling with Josh on the Farros’ dilapidated couch in the basement, Josh talking more to Zac and Taylor than she would. She’d laugh at their jokes and she and Taylor would occasionally talk about music and books, but she didn’t think much of it. She was dating the best guy ever and he was her world. Taylor never talked much, anyway. Hayley figured she dodged her glance because she was shy.

“And I thought maybe I was jealous of you, because you were so pretty and I was chubby and gross. But no. Oh no, it was not that.” Taylor covers her face with her hands. “Oh god, I was so creepy, I don’t wanna --”

“What is it?” Hayley says, positively delighted.

“I always insisted on hanging at Zac’s. I said it was because he had his kit but also it was because I thought you’d hang out with us and Josh,” Taylor says, and it’s muffled behind her hands. “I got this rush if I was in the same room as you. I’m such a stalker weirdo.”

“That’s kind of adorable, actually,” Hayley says, rubbing her back. She’s grinning so hard right now.

Taylor flops back in her chair, taking her hands off her face. “It’s so funny, because looking back, it’s like ‘Taylor you were so gay, you were so completely gay,’ but I had no idea what any of that was! And I figured God was mad at me anyway because I -” She suddenly cuts off and takes another bite of her sandwich.

“Because you what? Because you what?” Hayley says and squishes her chewing face.

“Because your mom,” Taylor says and swallows. “C’mon, we’re gonna be late for the movie.”

Since they’ve already paid, they both walk quickly toward the exit after thank yous. Once they’re out, Hayley runs ahead of Taylor all the way down the avenue and around the block. She slams a twenty on the counter before Taylor can even reach the theater. Once Taylor catches her breath, she shoves the ticket in her hand, which makes Taylor glare.

“Well I’m gonna get popcorn,” Taylor says.

“You’re insufferable,” Hayley says.

“Enjoy your date,” the boy at the counter says.

The movie is probably good, but they don’t see most of it, what with throwing popcorn at each other and kissing. Given the neighborhood they’re in, no one is gonna care about two teenage girls being silly in the back. Taylor gets her hands up Hayley’s dress and Hayley gets hers into Taylor’s pants, so it’s a productive few hours overall. When they leave, they look all sorts of disheveled. The pimple faced teenage boy at the ticket window looks at them knowingly.

“Are you -?” says the boy.

“No, I just look like her,” she says, and he waves them off. 

Hayley continues to be baffled that her sunglasses and braids let her slip away largely unnoticed. They both decide it’s a good idea to head back to not arouse suspicion. They head to CVS and pick up the list of items that Josh texted Hayley earlier in the day - very basic stuff. They get Frappucinos for good measure - “just to prove it was really a girl’s day” which almost makes Hayley snort hers out her nose. 

“So,” Hayley says on the drive back. “Why were you ‘in trouble with God’ or whatever?”

Taylor takes a sip of her Mocha. “You’re still stuck on this?” 

“I just can’t imagine that. You were into youth group way more than the rest of us.”

“Are you really gonna make me say it? I think I’ve been embarrassed enough for one day,” Taylor says, but she’s laughing. “God was mad at me because I masturbated.”

“That’s it?” Hayley still hasn’t mentioned _that_ night and she doesn’t plan on doing so. 

“I was in the shower when I was like, fourteen, and I rubbed my clit on accident and it felt really good so I kept doing it until I came,” Taylor says, voice low, head down. “And then, like, I started doing it a lot.” 

“Everyone does that, though,” Hayley says. “It’s no big deal.”

“When I did it I thought about girls,” Taylor says. “Later on, uh. You and Josh were not as quiet as you thought you were. Not that I’d do it at their house, I would do it later, when I - oh man, this is coming out all wrong.”

Hayley laughs out loud at that. Taylor sounds utterly miserable when she says, “I’m such a weirdo.”

“No, that’s - I’m not mad,” Hayley says. “It’s just. We did always think we were super quiet because no one ever said anything! That’s so funny. And, I mean, I’m kind of flattered - I was such a troll baby then.”

Taylor’s voice gets small. “You were the prettiest girl I’d ever seen.”

Hayley’s breath catches in her throat. She flips the right directional and makes her way toward the next exit. “Can you send Holly and the boys texts to let them know we’re gonna be a little late?”

“Uh, sure, why?” Taylor says.

“Because I’m pulling over and we’re gonna make out for twelve years.”

Taylor laughs and pulls out her half broken brick of a phone; Hayley’s still not over how low tech she is. When they find a park off the next exit, Hayley pulls into the parking lot by a particularly deserted hiking trail. She uses the control stick and the emergency break - this car isn’t going anywhere. 

“Holly said ‘okay no problem’ and Zac sent back like seven winky faces,” Taylor says, rolling her eyes fondly at that last one. “Backseat?”

“Definitely,” Hayley says. Lots of horns honked and one memorable shift into reverse down a hill, making out in the front usually spells disaster when she’s involved.

Making out with Taylor is still so overwhelming. She’s getting better at kissing already, but then again, she’s a fast learner. She learned every single one of Paramore’s rhythm parts in about a week and change, so of course she’d get the hang of something as natural as this. She gives them both equal turns to take the lead, which Hayley appreciates. When Taylor pulls Hayley onto her lap, she freaks out a little bit. It’s been no problem with guys, but Taylor’s so skinny. What if she crushes her? When she voices her concern, Taylor kisses her nose.

“You weigh like three pounds, I’m fine,” Taylor says, and squeezes her ass for good measure. “You also did not wear shorts under this dress.” 

“I compromised with hot pants,” Hayley says.

“Whatever, they’re basically underwear, kiss me,” Taylor says and seals her into a biting kiss.

They try to refrain from going much further, with the whole borrowed car thing, but it’s not an easy thing, the friction from grinding together almost too much to take. And okay, fine, maybe Taylor takes her top off, sports bra and all. Being met with tits instead of a flat chest is still so weird. Hayley’s so surprised by how much she likes them - how they look, how they feel when she puts her hands on them. Taylor’s moan when Hayley rubs her nipples goes straight to Hayley’s clit. When Taylor reaches down and starts rubbing her through her shorts, she’s holding on by sheer willpower.

“Do you actually want me to come in my underwear right now?” Hayley says.

“That was the goal, yeah,” Taylor says wickedly, and presses her palm hard between Hayley’s legs. Hayley cries out, practically crashing her lips into Taylor’s to stifle both of their sounds.

True to her word, Taylor is intent on making Hayley come in her underwear, rubbing her pussy hard through the cloth. Hayley’s thankful that they opted to keep the doors and windows closed and the AC on blast because she could not stifle herself right now if she tried. Taylor reaches around Hayley’s back and manages to pull down the top part of her dress, eventually unhooking her bra (she has to use both hands though, and it’s a fumble of a job). When Hayley’s done taking it off, she latches her mouth onto her nipple as her hand drifts back down between her legs. 

“Aaaah - what about you?” Hayley asks. She feels her own panties getting wetter, sticking to her (why does that turn her on more, _why_ ), and wonders if Taylor’s in the same state.

“Uh, don’t worry about it?” Taylor says, and there she is, back to being her sweet, shy self.

“Oh, that’s what it is,” Hayley says, blushing. She didn’t know that was something that could happen with girls. “Was it because we were messing around?”

“Rubbing up against you,” Taylor says. “I’m the worst kind of minute maid.”

“Minute maid?” Hayley says. Now she’s just thinking about orange juice.

“It’s something Chris used to say about his ex,” Taylor says. “Like, the ladies who used to take tickets. Real fast. It takes me, like, three seconds to come sometimes.”

“It’s a compliment,” Hayley says, starting to shift her hips again. “Considering I’m pretty much there myself. Just - T, my clit -”

This time around, they just grind on each other, grabbing and pulling and rubbing. Taylor’s whimpering is doing Hayley’s pussy every favor in the world, and when she smack’s Hayley’s ass without thinking, Hayley lets out a cry that drives Taylor’s hips upward. When she comes, she’s practically sobbing into Taylor’s neck. Taylor’s high keen as she comes again sends shivers down Hayley’s spine. That’s another awesome thing about fooling around with a girl - multiple orgasms.

“I feel awesome,” Taylor says. “I also feel really gross, but I feel awesome.”

“Do I have to drive back?” Hayley says. “I’m not even sure I can move my legs right now.”

“I’ll do it, you weenie,” Taylor says, rolling her eyes fondly. “Seat check!”

Thankfully, despite their roughhousing, they did no damage or staining (which is a miracle) or anything of that nature. They settle into their seats and before they pull away, Taylor leans in and gives her a deep kiss on the mouth, hand on her thigh. 

“I’ve always wanted to do that with a girl,” Taylor says. “Movie star like.”

“It was pretty awesome,” Hayley says as Taylor takes them back onto the highway.

They’ve been driving for twenty minutes when Taylor breaks their comfortable silence. “What do you want this to be?”

“I don’t know,” Hayley says, faster than she had ever thought she would. “A lot is happening at once but I -” _Love you. You love her, Hayley, just say it._ “ - really care about you. Can we just see where it goes? No labels?”

“Yeah, that sounds about right,” Taylor says and smiles at her, soft. There’s a little edge of sadness in her voice, but Hayley just hopes she’s tired.

When they settle into their bunk, Taylor wraps her arms around Hayley tightly. She used to think it was cloying, a little suffocating, but she burrows herself deeper tonight. What are they going to be? What could they be? Hayley’s not sure how she feels about the word girlfriend. She’s used to being a girlfriend, but not to having one. At the same time, though, it feels like a soft blanket whenever she thinks about it. It feels like Taylor’s deceptive weight draped over her. It feels more right than it should.

Hayley has a lot to think about. 

\- 

“Hey little lady,” Chad Gilbert says, a few days later, as he sidles up next to her. Well, as much as a guy who’s a foot taller than her can sneak up. “How’s it hanging?”

“Hey,” Hayley says in what she hopes is a casual manner. She’s hanging alone at the moment; she can’t find Taylor and she’s burnt out looking for now. “I’m alright.”

They’ve been hanging out a bit lately, mostly business stuff. Paramore is touring with New Found Glory a few weeks after Warped is over, and he’s the only one who seems remotely interested in discussing logistics. Granted, she only sees snatches of him - any time she’s not doing band stuff she’s with Taylor - but from what she’s seen, he’s a really cool guy. And yeah, they flirt a little, she guesses - more like him flirting and her deflecting in a friendly way. In another life, she might have dated him. 

“Just alright?” he says, pouting. “Not great? Not fantastic?”

She can’t help but laugh. Everyone in his band is a goofball, but he’s the biggest one, it seems. Maybe he turns it on for girls, she doesn’t know. “You talking to me for any particular reason, Gilbert?”

Chad raises his eyebrows. “Hayley straight to the point Williams. I wanted to talk to you about something.”

Hayley quirks her head. “Shoot.”

“Alone,” he says, and scratches the back of his head. 

Hayley walks away from him, hinting for him to follow her. She doesn’t want to make too big a show out of it - there are already rumors that they’re fooling around and she doesn’t need to fuel them. In the distance, she sees Taylor and Zac messing around, Zac dashing to hug her from behind. She glances in Hayley and Chad’s direction once, twice, but looks away, slinking down to slip out of Zac’s burly arms. She takes Jeremy’s beer out of his hand, but Hayley doesn’t see the rest because Chad blocks her vision with his solid body.

“Your band’s pretty funny,” Chad says. 

“Yeah, they’re a hoot,” she says, smiling. Chad’s just a likable dude. If Taylor was a guy, she’d probably be something like him. Probably way cuter though. “What did you want to talk to me about?”

“You know what I want to talk to you about,” he says.

“No, I don’t, what -”

It feels like a split second before Chad kisses her, swift and without warning. It’s a good kiss - he’s had some practice - but it’s wrong and she shoves him away immediately. He looks gobsmacked, like he’s not used to being rejected. The sweet and the sour with this guy. He’s a funny one.

“What the hell?” he asks, but it’s more confused than outraged. “I thought you liked me. You know, we’ve been hanging out and everything -”

“Not like that,” Hayley says. “Sorry if I gave off the wrong impression. I’m - I’m seeing someone.”

“You’re seeing someone? Who is he if you don’t mind me asking?” His body language is at least somewhat relaxed. He’s older, more seasoned, she supposes. Behind her, Hayley hears a crash and scattered footsteps, feather light but frantic. She would know that pace anywhere. Zac shouts after her and glances in Hayley and Chad’s direction. There’s probably confusion in his eyes, but she’s too far away to tell. 

“Where’s she going?” Chad asks, looking in the direction of the noise. 

Hayley turns around whip fast and catches the tail end of Taylor back to the bus. Fuck. No no no no. Her expression must change because she hears a knowing half-laugh from Chad. 

“Oh,” he says, but he doesn’t sound angry. “It’s not a he.”

“It’s really nothing personal,” Hayley says.

Chad makes a ‘hmm’ sound, thoughtful. “I didn’t peg you for that. She’s lucky.”

“More like I am,” Hayley says. She gives him a real bear hug. “Thank you. You’re a really awesome person.”

“Go get your girl, Williams,” Chad says, and they salute before Hayley goes running after her. 

By the time she gets back to the bus, Taylor is nowhere to be found. She searches all around the perimeter and only thinks to look inside as a last resort - it’s too gorgeous to be inside the bus right now. However, of course, of fucking course, that’s where she is. Her back is facing the doorway, but she turns around at the sound of Hayley’s footsteps. Her face betrays her sturdy posture, outrage, sadness painted in shades of splotchy red. She’s teary eyed and beautiful and Hayley hates herself. 

Hayley’s feet carry her forward, even though she knows better than to approach. “Taylor, I -”

“Fuck you!” Taylor shouts, backing away, and it’s the first time Hayley’s ever heard her curse.

“It’s not what you think it is!” Hayley shouts back.

“Well then what is it? Enlighten me! Because that looked like you going after stupid fucking Chad Gilbert!”

“I wasn’t! He tried to -”

“It’s fine if you don’t want to date me, Hayley, it’s fine. Just say it to my face instead of going behind my back.” Her voice sounds watery.

“What do you mean if I don’t want to date you? What are you talking about?” 

“It’s just,” Taylor says, and no, no, she’s crying, no, “sometimes I still feel like I’m just a notch in your bedpost. The girl to get out of your system when you’re young so you have a funny story to tell your friends when you’re married to some guy later on. There are a million people out there who are better than me that you could be dating right now. I just feel like this a perfect dream, and I’m gonna wake up and I won’t be worth your time in real life.”

Hayley’s crying now too, because where did she go wrong? How did she not convey how far gone she is for this girl? Taylor’s standing before her with her hunched shoulders, wiry arms crossed, humidity puffed hair. Hayley is so gone, she’s so -

“Taylor, I don’t want to date anyone else. Please, please, you have to know,” she says, and Taylor’s head snaps up. She opens her mouth to speak.

“Let me talk,” Hayley says. “I’ll say it however I have to until you believe me. You’re not something to get out of my system. I know it looked like I was getting close to Chad, and I’m sorry for confusing you. Sure, he’s a cool guy, but it’s never going to happen! I don’t care about anyone else because none of those people are you.”

“Hayley,” Taylor whispers, stepping closer.

Hayley touches Taylor’s face. “When Chad kissed me, I told him I was already seeing someone.”

“You did?” Hayley feels so sad about how bewildered Taylor sounds.

Hayley nods. She grabs Taylor’s hands and pulls herself closer into Taylor’s space. “You can’t get rid of me that easy.”

Taylor gives her a sweet little kiss and draws back, resting her forehead against Hayley’s. She tastes a little bit like the boxed wine in New Found Glory’s bus. The madness of the party is still happening a way’s away and no one except Chad is aware of their disappearance. When they break apart, Hayley rests her head against Taylor’s shoulder, and Taylor kisses the top of her head. 

“I’m sorry I cursed at you,” Taylor says. “And that I keep doubting you. I feel so horrible about that. You’re so... you’re so amazing.”

“It’s okay,” Hayley says, because it really is. She’ll take a little doubt over Taylor not being there every time. “Just please know I’m not going anywhere.” 

They stand like that for a while, holding hands and kissing. When they part, Taylor clears her throat. “I told Justin and Chris yesterday. About me.”

“You did?” Hayley says. “How did it go?”

Taylor laughs. “Better than I thought. They actually figured it out but didn’t want to say anything because they thought I’d get offended.”

Of course they did. “What did they say exactly?”

“Well, that. And Justin asked if I had a girlfriend, which I skirted around but I think he got the idea. He’s not dumb.”

“I want to tell people,” Hayley says. “I wanted to, like, actually sit down and talk about it but we’re here now.”

“You want to tell people?” Taylor says, voice masking... something.

“We don’t have to tell the fans,” Hayley says. “But yeah. I want my family to know. Mom keeps asking why I’m so happy. I’d like to tell her why.”

Taylor looks concerned. “But... I mean, you were dating Josh, and now you’re dating me...”

“I’ll figure that out, not you,” Hayley says. “Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m really hungry, and I want to be gross and PDA in front of the guys.” 

Taylor rushes forward and answers that question with a biting kiss. “Let’s go.”

When they walk back to the barbecue, Hayley looks at Taylor before taking her hand. They share a long look, and Taylor’s eyes are so pretty in this Midwestern dusk. For once, she’s thankful for pollution casting a pink light around the shape of Taylor’s frame, her ridiculous head of curls. Her silly, sweet, sunburned girl. Gosh, she’s so much and Hayley’s always going to strive to be enough. Now’s as good a time as ever.

“I love you,” they both say at the same time.

They don’t even laugh, even though the humor in the situation is there. They’re such dorks. Of course they would say it during a sunset. Of course they would say it at the same time. Taylor just angles her head down so they rub noses and kiss, just a peck, innocent. When they get back to the barbecue, they’re holding hands, and there aren’t any chairs left.  
 “Did you eat everything, you bastards?” Taylor says, looking around for even scraps. Hayley spots two hot dogs and runs toward them before Zac snatches them up. “Thank you, babe.”

Chad gets up and offers his seat. His one seat. None of the rest of them are getting up, Zac and Jeremy looking at each other with devilish eyes, Josh shaking his head fondly. The New Found Glory guys are equally as delighted about the situation. The scheming, conniving jerk wads. Chad probably orchestrated the whole thing, too. 

“You’re all the worst,” Hayley says, but Taylor’s already sitting and pulling Hayley onto her lap. “Hey, who made you the chair?”

“That would look ridiculous,” Taylor says. Thank goodness she’s back to her usual self. “You’d disappear, short stack. We need a singer. Now eat.”

All of the guys howl with laughter, but Taylor’s hand has settled on her stomach, fingers and palm gentle. Hayley feels her breath catch as she snakes her arm around and pulls her in so they’re flush against each other her. Her girlfriend loves her and she feels safe. Taylor doesn’t want her to disappear. It’s good.

-

It’s the day after Hayley gets back from Warped. She’s still in her pajamas, although it’s two in the afternoon, but thankfully it’s a Saturday. For once in her life (even though she loves her little sisters, wouldn’t trade them for the world), she’s alone in the house with her mom. She’s been doing the dishes, a trade for Hayley’s absurdly late flight last night, while her mom is cutting coupons for tonight’s shopping trip. Normally, Hayley hates the dishes, but it’s been a chance to mentally rehearse coming out to her mom. She’s not going to get this opportunity any time soon after this. She’s going to have to be brave sometime. 

“Mom, can I talk to you about something?” Hayley finally says.

“You can borrow my car if you bring it back in time for me to pick up Erica tonight,” her mom says, 

“Uh, it’s not that,” Hayley says. “Can we sit down in the living room?”

She actually looks up at that, her face twisted into concern. She’s not wearing makeup today, and she looks softer than usual. “Sure honey. Can you grab my tea?” 

“Of course,” Hayley croaks. 

Kristi walks out of the kitchen and into their living room, Hayley trailing behind, cautious. 

“You know my friend Taylor?” Hayley says, carefully, so carefully, after handing her the mug. She’s sitting up straight, rigid, and it hurts.

“The Yorks’ daughter?” Kristi says. She’s still busying herself with her tea, taking a soothing sip after what’s probably been a long day. Hayley wishes she timed it better, but she’s never been good at that kind of thing. It’s now or never.

“Yeah,” Hayley says. “Her.”

“It’s so nice to see you hanging out with a girl for a change,” Kristi says. “I mean, you’ve got the band, and if you didn’t have your band you had a boyfriend. I think it’s important to have female friendships.”

“She’s not my friend,” Hayley says.

Hayley has her mom’s smarts, so Kristi probably gets what’s going on, but she’s never been one to speak the truth for someone else. “It’s a little odd to hang out with someone who isn’t your friend, Hayley.”

Hayley inhales, exhales. Now or never. Now or never. “She’s my girlfriend. We’re dating.”

“Oh,” her mom says. Her face is unreadable, but her lip is twitching. That’s never a good sign. 

“I’m sorry,” Hayley says. “I know it’s wrong, and that it’s a sin, but I like her a lot.” 

“Sweetie,” Kristi says, like she’s holding back laughter. “I found her clothes in your laundry. Including, er, intimates.”

Hayley wishes she could crawl under a rock and die right now. “Did you now.”

“I’m grateful you said something, because I did not want to bring it up,” Kristi says.

They both stare at each other for a second, not saying a word, just breathing the same air. Then they burst into hysterical giggles. Hayley’s glad her sisters aren’t home because sometimes, she misses the days when it was just her and her mom. Her mom is really her best friend.

“Are you sure it’s not just a phase?” Kristi says. “I mean, I was curious about girls when I was your age -”

“Oh my god, _mom_ ,” Hayley says, covering her ears. After a second, she pauses. “I thought it was. But I don’t think it is. I mean, without going into details, because ew.” 

“I don’t think I understand it,” Kristi says, thoughtful. It’s not angry. “Boys and girls just complement each other - they just go together. I’m not sure it’s the same with two women. Too much emotion.”

“We even each other out,” Hayley says, a reflex from Josh’s ribbing, but she bites her lip. Her mom isn’t finished.

“But,” Kristi says, taking a big dramatic pause that she knows drives Hayley insane. “Taylor’s a very sweet girl. And I just want you to be happy no matter what.”

Hayley’s not a crier, but she wants to right now. She loves her mom so much. “Thank you, Mama. Thank you so much.”

“C’mere, baby,” Kristi says, opening her arms. Hayley all but bounds over to the couch and lets her mom hug her close. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” Hayley says, and fuck it, she’s crying. Whatever. She’s a little gay, she’s a little bit of a weeper, whatever.

“It’s not,” Kristi starts, then pauses, probably considering her words. “I don’t hate gay people. But there are people out there who hate gay people. And I don’t want you to get hurt. It would break my heart.”

“I’m not going to get hurt,” Hayley says.

“You don’t know that,” Kristi says. “And Taylor - well, she dresses a little bit more like she’s - well, you know what I’m talking about -”

“Like a guy,” Hayley says, something she’d never voice to Taylor. It’s something that’s crossed her mind too. She hates that she still thinks in that way, that perspective ingrained from years of home school and her guy friends being bitter about lesbians. “We’ll be okay. We’ve got the boys. We have people who love us. And we can hold our own.”

“I’m sure she can,” Kristi says, and laughs when Hayley swats at her.

“A short joke from my own mother,” Hayley says. “Jeez.”

They stay like that for a while, and Hayley feels safe, like she did when she was little. It’s funny how her life has played out. Sure, people feel odd, people are put off a little, but no one has been outright nasty. She’s picked good people to be around. She doesn’t know how she got so lucky. And her girl is coming over, and they’re gonna snuggle, and Hayley’s is perpetually jelly legs just thinking about that.

“She’ll have to be over for dinner,” Kristi says. “In a real way. And _please_ wait until I’m gone before any funny business.”

“ _Mom_ ,” Hayley says, and she knows she’s beet red. They may have gotten a little tongue tied once or twice while she was downstairs. Her mom must be psychic. 

“There are some things a mother does not want to know,” Kristi says. “Now go heat up my tea, this cup is cold.” 

Later on, when Taylor comes over, her mom looks her in the eye and smiles really wide. Taylor’s eyes are the size of saucers and it’s taking all of Hayley’s might to not fall over laughing. As she puts on her coat and hat, Taylor keeps shooting glances at Hayley, who only briefly returns them. She can’t keep a smile off her face, but it’s better than blowing her cover. 

Kristi looks at her watch exaggeratedly. “Oh look, I have to go pick up Erica from volleyball. And we need groceries. I don’t think I’ll be back for a while.”

“‘Kay, bye Mom,” Hayley says, and Kristi gives her a big wink before grabbing her 

“I’m guessing it went okay then?” Taylor says, sounding like she just ran a marathon. 

“Pretty okay, yeah,” Hayley says, her own voice sounding ragged. Maybe the laughter was a front for nervousness.

Taylor heaves a big sigh of relief. Her smile is big, the one where her eyes crinkle, and jelly legs are back with a vengeance. She just gives Hayley a big hug, like their first one on the bus, the first one in the bunk. Not gonna bite you. Except now Hayley wants her too, all over, leave her marks. Her fingertips are just grazing under the bottom of her tank top, back and forth.

“So,” Taylor says. “We’ve officially made it past Warped. I, uh, I wasn’t sure that would happen, you know.”

Hayley’s mind flashes back to their first day out, Taylor hungover and Hayley livid. Her skin was tinged green, Hayley’s tinged red; she looked half dead, Hayley overcompensated with a zest of life. Now they’re both sunburned, and Taylor looks beyond living, and Hayley’s just right.

“Personally, I knew it was a sure thing,” Hayley says, and they both giggle. “Totally knew I liked girls. Well, at least one girl. Totally knew I’d be smitten.”

“Your couch is really comfy,” Taylor says, and oof, Hayley likes this version of her girlfriend. “Wanna celebrate getting with the program?” 

“You fucking bet,” Hayley says, and dashes away before Taylor can tease her for the double entendre. She knows Taylor’s going to follow.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading everyone! feel free to follow me on tumblr - i'm toallofourfavoriteparts, since materialism was taken. talk to me about lesbian hayley and taylor. i want all the theories.


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